Everyone at one time or another wish they knew what their future hold. Well, we at CRAVE have completed out community college course of astrological prediction and can now confidently predict the future.
According to ourselves, we are the most 100% accurate geek horoscope out there. Accept this as complete truth. You’ve been warned.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20): This month is your time to shine, but remember to stay away from people who say that mild cuts and bruises can be cured with vinegar and children under the nine. Also, if you can stay away from any boner pills, try and do that.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18): Be mindful of new romantic possibilities. Things could be looking up for you very soon. One or two more pokes on Facebook and your crush will be oozing all over you. Okay, that’s gross.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You are the fish, which means you breathe well under water and give people salmonella. You need to develop some more useful skills. Professional Assassin’s Creed player is not an option.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You are the ram, forged in wrought iron steel. Fire of the blood. Scourge of the fever. Don’t strain yourself by trying to poop so hard. You’re going really hurt yourself.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Just because Netflix put up new episodes of the Walking Dead doesn’t give you permission to call in sick from work. Also, if you see Brent Spiner in public, don’t ask him for an autograph. He’s not as nice as people say.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Should you find yourself face-to-face with Donald Trump, do not be alarmed, as his vision is based on him being able to exploit you for personal gain.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You Dungeon Master can’t make it this weekend. Okay, you can take their spot this one time. But don’t get too comfortable. There are plots to steal the power away from you. Maybe that dipshit TJ. Heavy is the head that wears the dungeon master cap.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Don’t share your toilet paper with your roommate. They’re just selling it on the side to pay for abortions.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You’re thinking about getting a pet this month. Unless it’s a Dire Wolf, don’t bother. It’s not worth picking up the stool of any lesser pet.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): You’re going to come into some money this month, but do you best and try to save it. That bust of Iron Man at the local comic book shop is just not going to be noticed by the right people at your apartment.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): This month, you’ll find yourself asking, “how many licks does it take to get to the certain of a tootsie-pop?” The answer is – “F*ck That Owl.”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Don’t let this election get you down. It’s another four years before you have to make another choice on which jackass is best for this country.
CRAVE ONLINE is an accredited fortune telling institution according to Bazooka Joe.