10 Tips For Surviving Halloween

Don't care about Halloween? Then here's a survival guide to help you get through today.

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

It's Halloween. You don't give a shit. All you want to do is sit in the warmth of your house in peace and wait until Christmas comes. You don't want to dress like a sexy zombie or a sexy werewolf. You want to eat a curry and cry.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to face Halloween whether you like it or no, so here are 10 tips to help you survive it.

 

 Don't answer the f***ing door

It's not your friends knocking on your door. It's not your girlfriend, nor is it your cute little ol' grandma. It's 6-year-old trick-or-treaters, dressed in shite outfits their mothers made last night, threatening you in order for you to give them money/chocolate like cherubic crime lords. Keep the door closed, locked and bolted. 

 

 Don't go on Facebook

If you want to avoid all mention of Halloween, then you best avoid Facebook, where there's at least 17 females at any given second uploading photos of themselves dressed as slutty Satan with the caption "I'm horny!"

 

  Turn off all the lights

While turning off all the lights in your house may suggest that you are getting into the Halloween spirit, in actuality it's because those 6-year-old trick-or-treating dickheads are still knocking on your door. By turning off all the lights you may confuse them into thinking that you're at a bar somewhere dressed as a burgeoning alcoholic vampire, thus ensuring that they'll skip your door and pester your neighbour instead.

 

 Don't watch TV

Tonight's programming will largely consist of virtually unwatchable horror sequels, such as Friday 13th Part 24: Jason On Vacation! and Paranormal Activity 6: It's Banging Our Cupboards Again, so your best bet is to whip out your DVD collection and watch Breaking Bad.

 

 Don't listen to 'Monster Mash'

If you're one of the six people in the western world who will somehow not hear 'Monster Mash' by Bobby 'Boris' Pickett and The Crypt Kickers today, then I commend you.

 

 Put up your Christmas tree

Yeah, f*** you, Halloween! You demons and zombies ain't got shit on the baby Jesus! AIN'T GOT SHIT!

 

  Put up a poster indicating your disdain for trick-or-treaters

You've refused to answer your door, you've turned off all of your lights, but STILL those little pricks are knocking. Perhaps a poster clearly and concisely explaining how you would appreciate it if they would LEAVE YOU THE F*** ALONE taped onto your front door will do the trick.

 

 Eat a reasonable, non-Halloween themed meal

It's Halloween, so everyone who is at a Halloween party is currently eating "brains", "intestines" and "eyeballs", and drinking potent cocktails with names such as "Howling Werewolf" and "Rapey Tree". Defy convention by cooking yourself a humble sausage sandwich.

 

 Purchase all toilet paper and eggs from all local shops

Some may call it paranoia; you can call it necessary preparation.

 

 Get yourself a place on the sex offenders register

At least those little shits will finally stop knocking on your door.