5 Heroes We Could Use Right Now to Stop Sandy

With Hurricane Sandy set to wreak havoc on our east coast friends, here are five people we wish were real right now to help them out.

Andy Hunsakerby Andy Hunsaker

Storm

Weather control. It's been a dream since the first caveman had to become a caveman because it was raining outside, and if dinosaurs had brains bigger than walnuts, chances are they would've liked some climate control as well. In the wonderful world of fiction, that ability is a reality, but it usually falls into the wrong hands, as with the villainous Cobra Commander's evil science schemes. However, comic books have given us a handful of people who have been gifted with the talent to manipulate the elements, and with Hurricane Sandy bearing down on the eastern seaboard, we could probably use all five of these characters to team up and help us out. But if any one of these five weather controllers actually existed, we'd really appreciate a hand about now.

And to all our friends in harm's way, please stay as safe as you can. Be your own hero, since these folks below ain't real.

 

5. WEATHER WIZARD

Weather Wizard

 

Okay, so Mark Mardon here isn't a hero, which is why he's last on the list here. In fact, he's one of The Rogues, the team of colorful bad guys that give Flash headaches in Keystone and Central City. However, The Rogues are not your typical supervillain squad – they do have a code of honor, and when worse comes to worst, they will pitch in to help, as evidenced by the latest issue of Flash, when they actually teamed up with their enemy to stave off an invading gorilla horde. So, if you could convince Weather Wizard that Hurricane Sandy would be bad for business, he'd probably lend a hand. Or more specifically, a wand. He has a weather wand. But his brother's the one who invented it, so there's a good chance Sandy could break his will.

 

4. RAINMAKER

Rainmaker Gen 13

 

Sarah Rainmaker of Gen13 would be welcome aid right now, although judging by the difficulty Google Image Search had with finding any picture of her that wasn't either porn, a gratuitous bikini shot or some kind of naked-nature thing, we might have a hard time pulling her away from her strutting her stuff to lend a hand. Then again, she's strongly concerned with the environment in general, so perhaps we shouldn't hold the fact that having a lesbian superhero was played as titillating in the 1990s, because it's par for the course these days. Progress!  And she controls weather, so maybe she could bust up a storm for the good of humanity, too. She is a staunch lefty, and thus actually concerned about the plight of others.

 

3. THOR

Thor

 

Come on, he's the God of Thunder, and he lives in New York with the Avengers when he's hangin' on Midgard, so you know he'd be down to lend a hand. That is, if he's actually around and not fighting Frost Giants in Nifflheim or Rock Trolls in Svartalheim or Gummi Bears in Hosenfefferheim. That's the trouble with being Asgardian – you've got a duty to all the Nine Realms, no matter how much you're into Earth and its Jane Fosters and its Kat Denningses. But if Thor Odinson happens to be kicking it at Avengers Mansion instead of yelling at his adopted brother Loki somewhere in Shartenheim, he'd Mjolnir the crap out of Sandy.

 

2. STORM

Storm

 

Thor may be a god, but Ororo Munroe is a mortal so impressively powerful that she was revered as a goddess despite that mortality. Yet, being human (or mutant, really, but let's not split hairs) gives her a keen awareness of the deadly power Mother Nature has over the inhabitants of our little blue marble. Yes, like Rainmaker, she's one with our Earth Mother, which translates to a lot of easy nudity and taking showers in the rain, but when Storm means business, get the hell out of her way. That means you, Sandy – no way you're threatening New York and that school full of mutant kids while she's on the clock.

 

1. BETA RAY BILL

Beta Ray Bill

 

Why does he top the list? Well, he's got all the powers of the God of Thunder (and, let's face it, that would outmatch Ororo if push comes to shove), but he's also the last of his kind, as the Korbinites have been completely wiped out of existence at the hands of Galactus. Thus, the ol' Horse-Faced Thor doesn't stand for forces of nature dictating terms of life and death to people. True, he tends to be a space guy, so it might be hard to get a hold of him, but if you can get a help missive off to his ship Skuttlebutt, Bill will not hesitate to tell Sandy what's what.

And besides, his hammer is actually named Stormbreaker. That's exactly what we need right now.