5 Things I Would Do If I Had Superpowers

If I was a superhero I'd tell EVERYONE about it.

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

There's one thing that has always bugged me about superheroes, and that's the fact that upon discovering they have superhuman powers, they never ever run around the city screaming "HOLY FUCK, LOOK AT ME; I CAN FLY!" 

With that being said, here are 5 things that I'd do differently from Superman, Spider-Man & co:


1. The Girl Would be the First to Know

Superheroes always refrain from telling the girl they like of their superpowers because by doing so it would supposedly put her in "danger", neglecting to acknowledge the fact that these women always seem to get kidnapped anyway regardless of whether or not their enemies know their true identities. 

I would personally break this trend by not only instantly informing my girlfriend of my superpowers, but also informing every other female within a miles radius before breaking into a dance not all too dissimilar from Peter Parker's in Spider-Man 3.


2. I'd Use My Powers to Get a Proper Job

You hear people complaining all the time that they are too over-qualified for the job that they are currently employed to do, and this is a sad fact that is also evident in the world of superheroes. Superman is a reporter, Daredevil is a lawyer, Spider-Man is a photographer – imagine being young Peter Parker, spending your evenings swinging around New York, saving the city from mutated lizards and weird alien goo, only to wake up Monday morning and report to J. Jonah Jameson.

This is why I would ensure that if I was to be my city's designated crime-fighter, I would make sure that I at least got paid for it.

With great power comes great (fiscal) responsibility.


3. I Would Definitely Piss Off People I Dislike

You're on a bus. On said bus there are four teenagers, loudly playing dubstep music from out of the shitty speakers on one of their phones. Coincidentally, you have the ability to shoot lasers from out of your eyes. Are you telling me that you wouldn't go all Cyclops on them, either?


4. I Would Make Celebrity Appearances

After my true identity had been publically revealed (I'd give it a couple of hours or so), I'd begin my descent into egotism via a series of appearances on chat shows, flying around the rafters on the Late Show with David Letterman to a chorus of awed applause, before making my way outside to sign a series of womens breasts whilst kissing their babies on their foreheads.

I would then return home to my girlfriend who was packing up her stuff, telling me that she was moving back to her parents house because she was worried about how the fame had affected me. "I'm still the same old Paul", I'd tell her, desperately trying to convince her that I could maintain a level head after being thrust so suddenly into the public eye. "No, it's too late," she'd reply, "I saw you signing that woman's nipple on Letterman. I don't think I can trust you anymore." She'd then get into her car and drive away, leaving me with nothing but a bottle of Jack Daniels and the burning feeling of regret. Oh, and the ability to fly. Yeah, I suppose things wouldn't be that bad if I could fly.


5. I Would Wear a Cool Costume

In Chronicle the teenage protagonists don't even bother with costumes, instead deciding to experiment with their superpowers in baggy hoodies and scuffed trainers. But why? Even when Peter Parker was nothing but a pizza-delivery boy he still (somehow) mustered up the money and put in the effort to create his skintight spandex ensemble. If you've got superpowers, you need a costume befitting of said superpowers. Personally, I'd opt for a black ninja costume. This would allow me to fly around the city undetected by my enemies, and would also be quite slimming for photographs. Don't judge me — superheroes get bloated, too.