Everyone at one time or another wish they knew what their future hold. Well, we at CRAVE have completed out community college course of astrological prediction and can now confidently predict the future.
According to ourselves, we are the most 100% accurate geek horoscope out there. Accept this as complete truth. You’ve been warned.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20): Your color of the month is Blue. Crashing on your cousin’s couch en route to ComicCon will lead to nasty outbreak of gonorrhea. Don’t cross the streams.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18): Your love life is looking up. That girl you met last week at that Cosplay event dressed as Sailor Moon is not for you though, her Pikachu friend is, though. For ladies: avoid any boys dressed as the borg.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Taking karate classes at this point in your life will lead one of two ways: 1. You will become an unstoppable fighting force, or 2. You’ll end up putting a small child in a coma and be forced to flee the state.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Any attempts to download Game of Thrones Season 2 on iTunes will result in a billing error and you will accidently have purchased a copy City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’re due for a big promotion at work. But be careful not to burn any bridges. Or houses. Or cars. Though, the temptation is incredible.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Make sure you allow yourself plenty of time to go to the bathroom while standing in line for Prometheus. Any attempts to hold it will cause a wicked urinary tract infection.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Careful not to engage any internet trolls on message boards during this month, as they are wicked creatures who have the capacity to consume hundred of hot pockets at a single time. Also, make sure you tell your mother you love her.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): A friend will approach you with a money-making opportunity. But be wary, a picture of you dressed at slave Leia, could end up costing you're your livelihood. Your magical number is 42.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): There’s really nothing you can do this month to change the fact that The Dark Night Rises is still two months away. The quicker you realize that, the better.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Boobs rock. Follow them faithfully and you shall be rewarded.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Invest in that really cool, yet expensive iPhone cover. Your grandchildren will thank you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): This is the month that you finally make peace with the fact that Firefly is not coming back to TV.
CRAVE ONLINE is an accredited fortune telling institution according to Bazooka Joe.