An Open Letter To Women [Part 2: Love]

We're sorry we can't be Ryan Gosling.

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

Dear Women,


There are over 7,000,000,000,000 people in this world. Of those 7,000,000,000,000, you will only meet approximately 69,000 in your lifetime. You will never find your soul mate.

Love is settling for someone you like despite the knowledge that there is someone, somewhere out there who is probably better for you than he/she is. The idea that there are 7,000,000,000,000 people on planet Earth and you have somehow stumbled upon that one person you were destined to spend the rest of your life with is illogical. However, this sentiment doesn't translate very well to Valentine's Day cards:

Happy Valentine's Day,

I am somewhat pleased that I couldn't find anyone else whom I liked better than you.

From Sarah xo

That doesn't mean that men and women cannot be happy together, though; it just means that it is necessary for certain expectations to be lowered. For instance, your perfect man would presumably not choose to spend his weekend sitting in his underwear watching Soccer Saturday, nor would he call you into a room just for you to listen to a fart he had been working on for the past 5 minutes. On the other hand, his perfect woman wouldn't disturb him whilst he is on the toilet and would allow him to stumble home drunkenly at 6am without questioning where he had been and why he was wearing a pink cowboy hat.

Read An Open Letter To Women [Part 1: Sex]

The deciding factor in you falling in love with someone is ultimately whether you believe you can recognise that person's faults and still remain in a relationship with them for an extended period of time. As time progresses you become used to the familiarity of being in a relationship, until one day you wake up and you're 47-years-old, the age in which most men hurriedly purchase themselves an expensive sports car and drive around the M4 as if they haven't spend the past 22 years having sex with the same woman.

This happens because what men want out of love is a lot different from what women want out of love. When men think of love we think of it as the beacon of light at the end of a tunnel that has included a wealth of rejection and alcohol – a relationship is what we've been striving for, and now that we've finally managed to earn ourselves a girlfriend, we feel as though the hard work is done and that we can spend the rest of our days having sex at will without having to worry too much about our appearance. When women think of love they think of The Notebook.

But if you women knew of the hardships that we have had to endure in order to get a girlfriend then maybe you wouldn't resent the fact that we aren't Ryan Gosling. When a woman is single it is rarely due to her lack of options, but due to her lack of interest in any of the men who have appeared interested in her recently; when a man is single it is almost always due to his lack of options.

You can liken our story to the one of Jesus wandering through the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, but instead of the desert we have been wandering through clubs, pubs and bars, and instead of not eating food we have not been having sex. After a lengthy duration of time without a girlfriend, once we have finally managed to get one we can be forgiven for thinking that the hard work is now over. Unfortunately, as you women have undoubtedly picked us from a dozen men who would have also liked to have been going out with you, we should now be maintaining your interest, but again we are sitting in our underwear watching Soccer Saturday.

Thus the couples activities begin – restaurants, holidays, zoos, double-dating, walking, picnics, cinemas – a seemingly never-ending list of tasks that we must complete in order for our girlfriend's to not realise that they have made a terrible mistake in going out with dullards like us. But even after completing the tasks laid before us we are faced with yet another hurdle: the future.

In films the future always looks so cool. There are robots and aliens and Will Smith is usually in it. But in reality the future is full of nappies and expensive marriages that your partner's family do not approve of, where you can't sit down to enjoy a quiet game of FIFA in peace because your whole life is falling apart at the seams, and you're stuck in a dead-end job and you haven't had sex in 3 months and you are awoken by the sound of crying which you aren't sure if it is coming from you or your 18-week old baby and that happens EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING.
So we are sorry if we seem a little hesitant discussing "where the relationship is going" and "where we see ourselves in 10 years time". We are also sorry that we can't be Ryan Gosling and we can't build you a fucking house and grow a beard like a sexy homeless man. We're sorry that aren't impressed by our worryingly colossal farts and that you can't appreciate Jeff Stelling's Rain Man-esque knowledge of football. But hey, we're also sorry that you aren't Kate Upton.




Follow: @PaulTamburro