Chevy Cruzes Past Unhappy Zombies

Apparently dead people really like Chevys. And, no – that’s not some subtle dig directed at one of America’s oldest automakers.

John Scott Lewinskiby John Scott Lewinski

In an undead alliance between Chevrolet and Telltale’s The Walking Dead video game, OnStar units in the 2012 Chevy Cruze have started uploading updated plans to develop Zombie Dodger, a service that launches in the event of a zombie outbreak. With the push of the OnStar button, a representative will share the locations of the zombies nearest you and send directions for an escape route.

Chevy claims zombies are on the rise across the U.S., and we didn’t have the heart to tell them it’s only a TV show.

As a Chevy statement put it, “While Americans are concerned about the possibility of a zombie apocalypse, zombies themselves have their own fears.”

If you follow Chevy’s logic, our decomposing enemies out there are most concerned with a car that can get would-be meals/victims away from their limping. moaning attackers and keep on going.

Chevy claims: “Unexpectedly, it’s the 2012 Chevy Cruze, with its 42 MPG fuel efficiency, safety and drivability.”

“Gas stations are a great place to find fresh food,” Chad Weber, lead zombie for the Zombie Survival Dash, wheezed, “And there’s nothing more frustrating for the horde than seeing a Cruze drive past, honking and taunting us with its fuel efficiency.”

(I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks. I’m not sure I’d want to, really. But, I digress.)

So, it would follow that the cities with the highest density of Chevy Cruze’s would be the least zombie-centric.

Chevy confirms: “Adding to the Cruze’s infamy among zombies was an interesting trend that appeared when identifying what cities seemed to be safest from a zombie apocalypse. In order, the safest cities are: Detroit, Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, St. Louis, Cleveland, Los Angeles, Buffalo, Pittsburg and Minneapolis-St.Paul.”

Yes, those are the cities where the Cruze sells best. Of course, Chevy has an expert in place to confirm this date.

Michigan State University professor Glen Stuzky, who teaches a course on preparedness for a zombie apocalypse, explained the trend: “The data reveals a statistically significant drop in the number of zombies per square mile (ZpM2) in the cities with the highest number of Cruzes per capita. Apparently, even with minimal brain stem functioning, zombies have figured out that the 600 miles per tank has put Cruze owners beyond the reach of the Hoard.”

Now, at some point in the near future, we’ll see movies and video games for properties like Twilight and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. The mind reels at how Chevy might be able to involve their vehicles in those motifs.

Maybe the name of the Chevy Malibu hints at enough sunlight to drive away diamond-skinned, introspective bloodsuckers. Maybe Corvette ZR1s are the preferred method of conveyance for werewolf hunters due to their unbelievable speed and said hunters’ need to catch creatures running on four legs.

Stay tuned and watch yourself around Chevy dealerships. There evidently be monsters there.