By now you’re probably already one of the 1.4 trillion people who have watched The Avengers and found yourself surprised at how good it actually is (a multi-million dollar blockbuster that lives up to its expectations, who’d have predicted that?), but The Avengers weren’t the only squad of heroes assembling last weekend. Y’see, while they may not be as handsome, wealthy, strong or morally well-aligned, there are unsung heroes who stumble together each and every Friday/Saturday evening that fight their own, slightly less important battles.
So while Tony Stark & co. are off beating up aliens/corrupt billionaires/foreigners, our weekend warriors are fighting the good fight against other evils, like burgeoning alcohol poisoning and sexual impotence. Here are 5 superheroes you’ll meet at a club:
The Incredible Sulk
As he slumps himself across the bar, tears in his eyes and a vodka ‘n’ coke stain on his shirt, The Incredible Sulk starts to ponder where it all went wrong: was it after that last shot of Tequila? Or was it after his Dad refused to pay for his dance lessons at the age of 13? The Sulk doesn’t know – all he knows is that he’s lonely… and you wouldn’t like him when he’s lonely…
Equipped with towering high heels that she could barely walk in when she was sober, Rubber Girl is named so because no matter how many times she collapses to the floor in a drunken heap, she somehow manages to pick herself up again, brush off the social humiliation and dance despite the possibility of a broken ankle.
Her determination to overcome adversity echoes the values held by superheroes such as Spider-Man and, although she isn’t exactly fending off the threat of evil genius’s with robotic arms and anthropomorphic lizards with PhDs, her desire to continue dancing despite looking like an extra from Disney on Ice as performed by the handicapped surely deserves your respect. That is, after you finish uploading photos of her on the floor to Instagram.
The Human Repellent
Although many wouldn’t perceive being sexually repulsive as a desirable trait to possess, The Human Repellent is so good at it that it would be unjust to consider it anything other than a superpower. Armed with a myriad of sex jokes (the punchline of each and every one alluding to his supposedly above-average penis), at any given moment The Human Repellent can wander onto the dancefloor and ensure that the ratio of women to men significantly drops. With his worrying lack of self-awareness and unwarranted narcissism, The Human Repellent is truly a hero for the Facebook generation.
Mr Magnificent didn’t have to accidentally fall into a vat of nuclear waste in order to RADIATE confidence – it just comes naturally to him. Those in his company would consider his persuasive techniques with women to be something of a superpower (although his techniques do require him to get the women inexplicably drunk beforehand), and thanks to sporting a jaw that would make even Superman say “damn that’s one manly jaw”, he probably won’t even have to pay for his drinks tonight. Oh, Mr Magnificent. Mr F***ing Magnificent.
He’s really drunk right now; so drunk, in fact, that he’s finding it almost impossible to keep the knowledge of his drunkenness to himself. Captain Hardcore is a self-confessed ‘party addict’ (it says so in his Facebook bio) and his hobbies include drinking, dropping Es and, yes, partying (again, all of this is listed on his Facebook page). If you can keep up with him – which you probably won’t be able to do because he’s wild – you may be able to witness his superpower in action: the ability to reduce his fellow revellers into a boredom-induced coma after exhaustively detailing a story from one of those EPIC!!1!! parties he insists that he’s attended.