5 Morons You’ll Meet at a House Party

There Will Be Blood (and beer bongs).

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

House parties: like clubbing except less expensive and with a higher risk of waking up the next morning with your pubic hair glued to your chin. As you amble from room to room trying to see whether anyone will share their vodka/have sex with you, you will undoubtedly stumble across your fair share of criminally unintelligent revellers trying to do the same. Here are 5 of those aforementioned morons.

 

The “I’m Too Sexy for My Shirt” Guy

When the night began he was fully-clothed and relatively sane, but after a few Jagerbombs his ego has inflated to the point where his polo shirt is no longer able to contain the raging beast that is bursting out from inside of him.

In a scene that would resemble a clip from The Incredible Hulk movie if its budget was a £25 Abercrombie gift card, he tears his shirt from off of his body and swings it above his head with intense pride, roaring maniacally as he does so. He then proceeds to spend the rest of the evening coated in a thick layer of sweat, forcing you into awkward conversations as you try to evade your eyes from his damp mangle of chest hair and avert your nose from the encroaching scent of his pungent bodily odour.

 

The “I Love You So Much” Guy

You gave this guy a cigarette earlier in the evening and now, with breath that smells like stale tobacco and vomit, he’s leaning into your ear and he’s telling you that he loves you because you’re a really cool guy and he wanted a cigarette and you gave him one because you’ve just always, ALWAYS been there for him, y’know?

 

The “Drunkenly Recounting Every Event on Facebook in Real-Time” Girl

There was really no point in you attending tonight – you could’ve just stayed at home and scrolled through this girl’s Facebook wall.

From her toilet breaks through to the music playlist, she has chronicled, photographed and critiqued every single event in her own inimitable, unintelligible way: “OMG me n stacey r soooo drink fkkkk xoxo” reads one status update, “siikkk urrrrgh xoxo” reads another. Her high-pitched squeals of joy become the most fitting soundtrack for the night; even more so than that one dubstep song that has been played so many times you’ve just sort of accepted it as your new national anthem.

Fortunately for your eardrums, those squeals will eventually stop at around 4am – when she’s crying in the back garden because she’s just cheated on her boyfriend.

 

The “Everything is a Threat to my Masculinity” Guy

Like a bull in a china shop trying to overcompensate for its tiny penis, this guy is flinging himself from room to room in the vain hope that someone somewhere will just allow him to punch them in the face.

His burgeoning alcoholism and unresolved father issues have led to him stumbling towards you, poking you in the face before drunkenly enquiring whether or not you were “fucking looking” at him. When you inform him that no, you were not “fucking looking” at him, and if you were then it was merely coincidental, he headbutts you in the nose before being promptly escorted out of the building.

As he spends the rest of the night wandering alone through the streets he will experience an existential crisis, wherein he’ll realise the banality of violence and rationalise to himself that no matter how many punches he throws, none will bring him any closer to finding inner-peace… just kidding, he’ll go to a pub and kick someone in the teeth.

 

The “Passed Out at 10pm” Guy

Don’t Fall Asleep; advice that is invaluable to the adolescent residents of Elm Street, but also to anybody who goes to a house party and doesn’t want to wake up the next morning with their hands and feet tied together and a drawing of an erect penis on their forehead.

If you’ve somehow managed to get so inexplicably drunk that you can’t make it past 10pm without taking a power nap, then your taxi ride home tomorrow morning is going to be a very awkward one, as your driver tries to engage you in conversation whilst ignoring the fact that you have a cartoon ballsack scribbled on your face.