Ok, guys, now before you start to tell me how you don't want anyone being with your ex and you don't want to think about her spending time with other men, let me be clear. NO KIDDING. But for the sake of the article, I've decided to get specific and sort of categorize the kinds of guys your ex may be with after she leaves you…oh, sorry, I mean after you guys mutually agree to seperate. This is all for your benefit, gentleman, sort of an instruction manual if you will. It will help you to be prepared and handle your ex's future relationships that don't involve you in the least.
Neil From The Santa Claus
Now Neil may be the biggest blow to your ego. Imagine showing up and seeing that this is the man that your ex chose to devote her time to. This only proves that she is over your shenanigans. She has matured and grown and is no longer drawn to your boyish charm or your rugged good looks. It means she's ready to settle down with a nice stable man with a cushy job and a very unthreatening wardrobe. Don't worry, it's not all your fault. You're still off being a superhero at night or turning into a werewolf or something. Understandable.
Greg Buehl from 8 Mile
There's a lot to be said for a woman who sinks low enough to fall for an alcoholic redneck with no job, no manners, and is living on a prayer that some kind of settlement check will soon appear on the doorstep (of the trailer). Or is there? Maybe it's more of a knife in the gut to you. How could you have ever been involved with a woman with such poor taste? No matter what she says, you know for a fact that Greg makes you look like royalty. Depending on your situation, you can probably laugh your lonely behind right off your barstool over this one.
Jerry from Liar Liar
Jerry. Now this one is tricky. Jerry's motivations are very noble. He's not purposely a homewrecker. He's a nice guy. He just happens to inconveniently be in the way of you and your woman. He wants to make best friends with your kid, but he does it by trying to follow in your footsteps. This is all respectable enough. But when did your ex stop respecting herself enough to give in to Jerry? Jerry falls in between the loser rednecks and cushy therapists of the world, and is forced to be a very neutral party here. Your ex can do far worse, but at the same time, why should she bother dating a lamer version of you?
Aldous Snow from Forgetting Sarah Marshall
So your ex is dating a rockstar. I honestly don't think things could get any worse. He's rich, he's handsome, he's interesting. He can give her anything she ever wanted. On top of all that, he's likeable. He makes you laugh. Under typical circumstances you would totally inhale blow off of the table with this guy. You know you should punch him in the face, but you would probably feel bad if you did it. You realize why your woman would rather hang with this guy. That's where it gets sad. What do you do? Hell if I know, I'm only making observations. My guess is give up or get rich real fast.
I sure hope I could help here, fellas. We've all been there, and if not, we probably will. As long as we are the unorganized, flippant, witty protagonist with all the right intentions but not enough time or brain power to juggle all of them, there will be a woman who leaves us. It's proven. Hopefully some of you will learn the error of your ways and win her back just in time. I honestly wish that for all of you.