A Bro’s Guide to Becoming an Alpha Male

So I heard you wanna be a bro, bro?!

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

Are you tired of being a loser? Sick of girls laughing at your tiny arms and incompetent penis? Well not to worry, because by following these 5 EASY steps, you too can become an alpha male, bro!


Step 1: Work On Those Abdominals

If there’s one thing that bitches love it’s a tight stomach, but without pain there is no gain so you’re going to have to pause that episode of Grey’s Anatomy you’re watching, get off your fat ass and start doing crunches, bro! When you’ve finally managed to develop the outline of a six-pack, take it for a test run by getting your girlfriend to eat chicken off of it. Trust me bro, she’ll LOVE that shit.


Step 2: Wake Up Early, Drink Eggs and then Run!

You may think that the only people who are awake at 5 in the morning are farmers and prostitutes, but that’s not true – ALPHA MALES also wake up at the crack of dawn, ready to punch the sun right in his f***ing face as soon as that dickhead rises!

So get up, drink a shitload of eggs (if you vomit that just shows that you’re DEDICATED) and sprint around your neighbourhood until your feet feel like Jesus’s after he carried that big piece of wood. HE DIED FOR YOU, BRO – show your respect for him by respecting your body!


Step 3: Wear a Vest

You haven’t put all this effort into looking like a Greek sculpture to not show it off, so go out and buy some vests, bro! Make sure you wear them to the club tonight, too – bitches love a guy who dresses like he’s just got off the toilet.


Step 4: Work at a Bar

You know you’ve made it when you work in a bar, bro. Seriously, it’s the perfect place to pick up hot, way-too-drunk bitches who have had their inhibitions loosened thanks to you secretly adding extra shots to their vodka ‘n’ lemonades. There’s probably some legality issues in there somewhere, but you’re giving them free booze and a free cab ride back to your place, so who’s the real criminal here?


Step 5: Harness the Power of the Bro-Shake

Fist-bumps are soooo 2010, bro – what you need to do is master the power of the bro-shake. Here is how it works:

1.      Clasp your fellow bro’s hand, with your palms touching and your thumbs locked together.

2.      Lean in to him, your elbow’s touching each other’s chests.

3.      Pat him on the back, hard. Whoever pats hardest will be deemed the dominant male.

4.      Say something cool like “sup, bro!” or “wassup, bro!”

NOTE: Once the bro-shake has been administered, there is no turning back.


Photo: StarPulse.com