Everyone at one time or another wish they knew what their future hold. Well, we at CRAVE have completed out community college course of astrological prediction and can now confidently predict the future.
According to ourselves, we are the most 100% accurate geek horoscope out there. Accept this as complete truth. You’ve been warned.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20): You’ve got some great things going for you on the horizon. You’ve bought your tickets to all the midnight screenings of this summer’s hottest releases. But you’re going to face hard times if you keep ignoring Dr. Who with Downton Abby.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18): You’re going to be put between a rock and a hard place very soon. In order to prepare for this, get your hands on as many back issues of JLA as possible. Also, that Serenity fan film you’re thinking about making… yeah, save your money.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’ve been feeling challenged in your love life. Scarlett Johansen has filed a restraining order against you and you’ve been put under 24-hour surveillance by authorities. Don’t worry, keep trying. She’ll come around.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Patience is a virtue. Putting cigarette butts out on your own scrotum won’t make Assassin’s Creed III get here any faster. Also, invest in some antiseptic.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): All that you consider sacred will be challenged this month when someone tags you in their blog post: “Hal Jordan secretly had Asperger’s Syndrome.” Resist the urge to fight fire with fire.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): A change in your taste in music will certainly do you well. Avenge Sevenfold is not the p*ssy magnet everyone thinks it is. Also, increase your fiber intake. Your poops look like fusilli for god’s sake.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Any existing relationships you have will be challenged in the days to come. Remember to listen before reacting. If that doesn’t work, remember that barren garbage dump you drove passed would be a great place to stash a body.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): George Lucas will be going door to door collecting all original VHS copies of Star Wars. Finally, you have the chance to exercise your second amendment rights. Lock and load.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A new budding relationship will go south when your potential partner confesses, “I don’t really like Star Trek, I’ve always thought it was for losers.” Resist the urge to break down and cry. They’ll respect you in the long run.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Joss Whedon is not going to make love to you. That’s just the way it is. Deal with it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your confidence in the government will be shaken when congress passes the Mutant Registration Act of 2012.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your love of Professional wrestling will come in handy when your thwart a bank robbery with your standing double-drop nut-crusher. Remember to tell the news cameras, “I’m not a hero,” thereby making you look like a bigger hero.
CRAVE ONLINE is an accredited fortune telling institution according to Bazooka Joe.