Advice: Ask Michael Bay

Life advice from the director of Transformers!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Everyone needs a little help from time to time. Why not take some advice from one of the highest-grossing film directors of all time? If you don't know his name, you know his work. Michael Bay is the director of some classic films like Transformers, Bad Boys, The Island, and The Rock.

DId you also know he is an accomplished advice-giver? Look no further, help seekers. Let Mr. Bay work for you!


Dear Michael,

I’ve been thinking about buying a new car, but with the economy the way it is, I’m trying to make the right choice. My morals tell me to buy American, but at the same time it’s hard to match the price, style, and fuel efficiency of something like a Honda or a Toyota. Any thoughts on what car to go with?

-Divided in Denver


Dear Divided,

            Three words: Muscle, Sex, Explosions. Why are you concerning yourself with issues like fuel efficiency when you should be concerning with things like sidewinder missiles that fire form beneath the spoiler? Truthfully, American cars a joke, unless they cut you a big ass check for product placement. Personally, if I were you I’d stop thinking about Honda or Toyotas for that matter and go with a Lamborghini Diablo – cherry red. Can you imagine the blowjobs in that thing? I think your problem has been solved.

            -Michael “Optimus” Bay


Dear Michael,

            I think my wife is cheating on me with my best friend. I don’t know what to do. Should I just confront them? Or should I just wait to confirm my suspicious?

            –Gerry in Genesco


Dear Gerry,

            You sound like a chump. But, not to worry – this sounds a lot like a sub-plot from my movie, Bad Boys, in which renegade cop, Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence) suspects his wife is cheating on him with super sexy, Mike Lowry (Will Smith).  As it turns out it was all just a comedy of errors. Then the two take down a drug lord with a high-octane shoot out and a crimson-looking high-speed car chase. I suggest you do the same. If not, befriend a giant alien robot.

            -Dr. M. Cool Bay


Dear Michael,

            I’ve been living with my mother for the past couple years. She’s got a medical condition and isn’t getting any better. The doctors think she only has a few months left. I’m afraid when she dies I’ll be all alone and won’t know what to do with myself. Any thoughts?

            -Sad in Sandusky


Dear Sad,

            That sounds tough, man. Really. What you need to do is pick yourself off the ground and start dating a super model. Like, a really hot one with sexy lips and a great rack. I mean, really sick t*tties. Then you start doing sit-ups like crazy. Get some sweet f*cking abs. Then, cover yourself in oil so you have this sweaty, orange-ish-sheen like my actors do. Then, join Delta Force and take down a dictator.        

            – Michael “sick t*tties” Bay


Hey Michael,

            First let me say that I’m a huge fan. I’ve seen all your movies and I think you get screwed by the academy every year. I got the exact same Camaro that Sam drives in Transformers and I’ve been practicing my MMA. I date a centerfold and I salute the American flag every morning. Is there anything else I can do to be the perfect male?

            – Pumped in Philly


Hey Pumped-

            Let me say, I’m a huge fan of YOU! You’re the reason I make the movies I do — that, and the sweet f-cking cash. You seem to have it all figured out. But let me ask you this – how is your credit score? If you want to be truly awesome, you’ll rock that sh*t at least above 700. Keep rockin’ and rollin’. PEACE.

            -Michael “don’t make eye contact with me” Bay


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