Ed Miliband. A man so desperately dull that his own Mother fell asleep whilst giving birth to him. A man so painfully uncharismatic that his only rivals when running for Labour Party leader were a dish cloth and a bit of wallpaper. A man so hopelessly boring that it's said geography teachers simply quit their jobs after watching one of his speeches, knowing that they'll never suck as much joy out of a classroom as he does with the whole of Great Britain.
Today Mr. Ed spoke about relaunching the ailing Labour party. I would tell you how it went, but I didn't watch it. I was busy picking my nose and clipping my toenails; y'know, doing something fun. However, I did search him on Twitter and found this tweet from @ninaism, who said: "I believe Ed Miliband has far-reaching powers. He can kill plankton at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean with boredom".
Here are some moments from his unsuccessful campaign that we're sure he wouldn't want to relive.
Ed Miliband, Live!
Hey look, everyone, it's a politician cracking jokes! He laughs just like us, only a bit more disingenuously! Now he's talking about that nose job he had that everyone laughed about in the newspapers! Wow, he's being really self-deprecating and down to Earth. I bet he buys his milk from Tesco's and wipes his arse with his right hand, just like me. He's got my vote!
DOES NOT COMPUTE.
After being partly responsible for the complete collapse of the Labour Party as a viable competitor to David Cameron and his band of blue-tied toffs, it wouldn't be out of the realms of possibility to presume that Miliband feels like a broken man. This was none more apparent during this interview concerning last years strikes, which featured him doing his best impression of a scratched CD.
Which One Is He?
Such is the extremity of Miliband's blandness that even Noel Gallagher, a man who has managed to form an opinion on dullards from Keane ("traditionally speaking, the three biggest twats in any band are the singer, the keyboardist and the drummer") and Kaiser Chiefs (“I did drugs for 18 years and I never got that bad as to say, ‘You know what? I think the Kaiser Chiefs are brilliant'"), struggled to not only think of anything negative about him aside from him being dull, but also forgot his name entirely.
Oh No He Didn't.
Even though Miliband's repeated attempts to get the public on his side by pretending that he shares some common ground with them have thus far failed, it turns out that many of us actually do have something in common with him – every time we turn up to work we also have some smarmy round-faced tit trying his best to humiliate us.
After presenter Bob Holness of gameshow Blockbusters died Ed Miliband took to Twitter to offer his condolences. A day after his fellow Labour MP Diana Abbott came under a fire after tweeting "White people love playing divide and rule", Ed Miliband tweeted about the death of presenter Bob Holness, most famous for hosting the popular old gameshow Blockbusters. Unfortunately for him, one typo later and "#EdMilibandGameshows" had began trending, featuring hilarious suggestions such as "Have I Got Jews For You", "Blackety Black" and "The Price Is White".