From Frankie Cocozza To Georgia Salpa: The Celeb BB Housemate Rundown

A Who's Who Of The "Celebrities" We'll Be Sick Of Hearing About For The Next Month.

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

So even though it feels like just last week when the last Big Brother ended, here we are yet again faced by another round of big-boobed (and big-haired) Z-listers desperate for that chance to win that coveted OK! Magazine cover story.

But if like us you spent a large portion of last night scratching your head and wondering WhoTF most of those "celebrities" were, then you'll be pleased to know that we've compiled a definitive housemate rundown for you, to help you whenever you wish to discuss exactly why Frankie Cocozza is such a colossal bell-end, and for when you eventually succumb to your libido and attempt to Google Image search that fit Irish one who looks a bit like Kim Kardashian.

 

Natalie Cassidy

Who Is She?: Former Eastenders actress who made frequent appearances in newspapers like The Sun on account of her "weight issues", which is basically a very PR way of saying that she got quite fat.

Why We Like Her: She was on your tellybox's for over a decade as Sonia Fowler, who captured the nations hearts with her bowl haircut and comically unattractive face. She looks a lot better now, mind you, even if she does have hair that closely resembles an Uma Thurman fancy dress costume.

Chances Of Winning: High. If we were the kind of people who liked to waste our money on frivolous things, we'd probably vote for her.

 

Michael Madsen

Who Is He?: Hollywood actor most famous for his role as Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs. Y'know, the bloke who cut off the cops ear.

Why We Like Him: He wore a US flag shirt and a cowboy hat as he entered the house, and then spent the remainder of the night growling at his fellow housemates like the cookie monster, if the cookie monster ate gravel instead of cookies.

Chances Of Winning: Low. Americans typically underperform in the Big Brother house, in particular ones who wear cowboy hats and US flag shirts.

 

Andrew Stone

Who Is He?: Professional dancer who has pranced around alongside stars such as Britney Spears. Starred in reality TV show Pineapple Dance Studios. Apparently not a homosexual.

Why We Like Him: We don't know much about him other than the fact he's mates with Louis Spence. We like Louis Spence. Also, the jumper he wore had elbow patches on it and no man who wears elbow patches can be that irritating… right?

Chances Of Winning: Moderate. When a man says that "I'm not arrogant, just confident", it usually means that they're an insufferable little twit. He's also the owner of the worlds most annoying fringe.

 

Kristina and Karissa Shannon 

Who Are They?: Playboy bunny twins and ex-girlfriends of Hugh Hefner. They've made a career out of posing for slightly incestuous photographs.

Why We Like Them: Because of said photographs.

Chances Of Winning: Low. BB's target demographic (women) will more than likely not see the value in keeping an attractive blonde in the house, especially when there's two of them.

 

Frankie Cocozza

Who Is He?: Former X Factor contestant who was booted off the show for taking cocaine, because we all know how pure and drug-free the music industry is.

Why We Dislike Him: If MySpace were still popular he'd be the kind of pillock who would list "getting fucked" as his Interests, Oasis as his music taste and a picture of a Carling can in his Who I'd Like To Meet section. He also described himself as a "party animal", which made us get sick in our mouths a bit.

Chances Of Winning: Unless he cuts his hair, gets a job and changes his personality entirely during his stay in the house, then his chances are horrendously low.

 

Nicola McLean

Who Is She?: Page 3 model and "media personality", which basically means that her and her boobs occasionally appear on reality TV shows such as Celebrity Big Brother. She finished in sixth place in the eighth season of I'm A Celebrity.

Why We Dislike Her: In her opening VT she explained how even though she was married to footballer Tom Williams (me neither) she absolutely hates being referred to as a "WAG". So I take it that you were forced to star in the TV Show WAGS World With Nicola McLean against your own will, then?

Chances Of Winning: Slim, especially if Channel Five follow through with the idea of opening up three seperate phone lines for her and each of her mammary glands.

 

Kirk Norcross

Who Is He?: Star of The Only Way Is Essex.

Why We Dislike Him: See above. Also, he has the moustache of a 13-year-old boy smoking round the back of an off-license.

Chances Of Winning: No doubt he'll fall into that lauded "cheeky chappy" category which everyone seems to love, so he's got a reasonable chance.

 

Georgia Salpa

Who Is She?: Irish model. That's all I've got.

Why We Like Her: She's like Kim Kardashian, only Irish. In fact, considering Georgia hasn't even got a Wikipedia page, we might as well pretend that she is Kim Kardashian. I bet Channel Five are, anyway.

Chances Of Winning: The "permanently erect lonely men" demographic will be voting in their droves, so we'll give her reasonable odds. Also, she's IRISH.

 

Natasha Giggs

Who Is She?: Ryan Giggs' sister-in-law who had a fortunate bit of luck when she suddenly became famous after shagging Ryan Giggs. You go girl!

Why We Like Her: Somebody has to.

Chances Of Winning: The only way she'll win is if the Big Brother house suddenly finds itself at the epicentre of bizarro world, where Frankie Cocozza is a functiong member of society and people who forge careers out of shagging married men are considered celebrity royalty.

 

Romeo

Who Is He?: Former member of rap outfit So Solid Crew who were most famous for their number one single "21 Seconds" which, ironically, was roughly the amount of time that their careers lasted for.

Why We Like Him: We bet he finishes sex by saying "Romeo done".

Chances of Winning: He seemed like a nice bloke, so reasonably high. I'm expecting an unlikely bromance between him and Andrew Stone.

 

Denise Welch

Who Is She?: Former Coronation Street star who now appears on TV show Loose Women, a programme in which a group of women get together and talk about their periods and stuff. We've never actually watched it.

Why We Like Her: She's like your spinster Auntie who gets out of taxi's doing a Britney Spears; wears too much makeup, is slightly embarrassing but will always be the first one to get on the dancefloor at awkward family parties.

Chance Of Winning: Older people in the Big Brother house typically start off well but then start to bore viewers as the show goes on, usually because they aren't comfortable with dwindling away their last remaining shards of dignity by rolling into the hot tub and giving a reality TV star a handjob.