10 Things We Look Forward To This Year

Like leaving 2011 behind to die a cold, lonely death.

Geoffrey Goldenby Geoffrey Golden

Will 2012 suck as hard as 2011? Scientists are working hard in their laboratories trying to answer that question definitively. While we await their results, what we can say is there seems to be some great events already on the horizon. Here are the 10 things we’re looking forward to in 2012.


Doomsday Back-Peddling

For the entire year, people are gonna be talking about the apocalypse. The most famous one is coming in mid-December 2012, according to one interpretation of the Mayan calendar, but others will surely pop-up throughout the year. As these end-of-the-world deadlines come and go, let’s enjoy the crazy spins and lies doomsday prognosticators make to explain why civilization isn’t over yet. Also, let’s enjoy the money we decide not to give away, because we know better. [image via]


Making Fun of A New Young Adult Franchise: The Hunger Games

Harry Potter is magically dead and buried. There’s only one more Twilight movie left, so pretty soon we can stake those sparkly vampires for good. With those young adult warhorses gone, we’ll need another book-to-movie for teen girls fad to make jokes about. Enter The Hunger Games, a popular book series about a future where teens are forced to murder each other as part of a national sport. The first movie’s coming soon, as should jokes about dead teens and the stupid first names of the future, like Katniss, Haymitch and Foxface. [image via]


No More Mad Men Knockoffs

Instead of watching embarrassing imitators of Mad Men, we get new episodes of the real thing beginning March 16th. That’s good, because I cleaned out my liquor cabinet trying to make it through The Playboy Club pilot, and Pan Am is apparently super close to crashing as well. More good dramas are coming back this year, including Game of Thrones and Sherlock. However, I’m really upset they cancelled Rosanne’s Nuts, and I promise to be really depressed about that all year long. [image via]


Google+’s Inevitable Hail Mary Pass

In the battle between Facebook and Google+, Facebook is still dominating. That means Google+ will likely try to reinvent itself for attention, and that could be legitimately awesome, if Google comes up with a mind-blowing innovation for the social media world, or it’ll be a spectacular failure. Now, how do I turn this paragraph into a Google Wave? [image via]


The End of The Republican Primaries

Every week, it seems like a new Republican candidate surges in the polls, then collapses the following week when America gets to know them just a little bit better. Frankly, it’s exhausting, like a terrible reality show that could potentially destroy the free world besides Jersey Shore. Just give it to Romney or settle it with an American Gladiators competition. [image via]


Whatever Louie CK’s Doing In 2012

New episodes of Louie? Ten new stand-up specials? A new content distribution method that allows fans to directly support comedians they like, while at the same time giving fans simultaneous orgasms? Not sure what Mr. CK has going on this year, but we’ll be watching. And watching the flood of status updates about how our friends are watching, telling us we should be watching. [image via]


Booing Star Wars: The Phantom Menace… In 3D!

The first time I saw Phantom Menace in theaters, I felt blindsided. After waiting so many years, and after a galaxy’s worth of hype, and I really wanted them to be good. But… a spectacular let down, it was. It’s been over a decade now, and the film is being re-released into theaters in 3D this February. We would love to see these screenings turn into a Rocky Horror for nerds. That’ll get us into theaters at light-speed. [image via]


Revealing New Photos Each Month On Our Wall Calendars

Did a relative who doesn’t know you very well get you a wall calendar for Christmas? Shrewd move, relative of yours. We’re looking forward to seeing new pictures every month from such calendars as “Out On The Porch” (every month, a new porch!), “Ferret Frenzy” (every month, a new frenzy!) and “FireFighters” (every month, a new fantasy hunk for middle-aged ladies!). We’re purposely not looking at the back of the calendars, so every month is a surprise. [images via, 2]


0% Unemployment

We know a guy. Reliable, an insider. Let’s just say, starting in August, you’re gonna have too many jobs. You heard it here first. [image via]


Preventing The Death of Fry’s Dog

The Futurama episode “Jurassic Bark” is the saddest episode of a TV show ever in the history of everything. Fry’s loyal dog Seymore dies waiting for him to return home. According to Wikipedia, the episode takes place in the year 2012, so assuming that Futurama is real, we’re looking forward to locating Seymore, luring him away from Fry’s old pizzeria with irresistible treats and finding Seymore a nice home. Oh, Wikipedia also claims that Mega Man 3 takes place in 2012, so we’re also looking forward to tangling with Magnet Man. [image via]


Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator: The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans! Header via.