The GOP Presidential Candidates According to Tweens

Who has a better handles on politics than a Tween?

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

With the GOP race heating up, we here at CRAVE want to stay in touch and see what everyone has to say on the matter.

While CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC all have a firm grasp on the polling numbers within every town, burg, society and sub-society in the US – we here at CRAVE thought we should think outside the box and figure out who the real GOP candidates are in the minds of the TWEEN community.

We found five precocious tweens willing to take a break from Twilight and answer some questions about who these candidates really are.

Take a look:

Who is Newt Gringrich and why would you vote for him?

Kimmy Newhaven (12) – “He’s running for President because he’s probably, like, mad he got beat up when he was a kid for being a lard face. He dresses like my dad. He’s probably never seen an episode of True Blood, and I wouldn’t vote for him because he’s fat.”

What do you think of his experience as Speaker of the House?

“More like speaker of the House of Pancakes.”

That might be a little unfair.

“Shut up, I’m texting Drew. He’s so cute and I have gym with him.”

Good Luck.

“You’re weird.”


Who is Mitt Romney and why would you vote for him?

Apple Johansen (12) – “He’s like, the least ugliest of all of them, so I guess that’s something.”

Are you aware he ran unsuccessfully for the GOP nomination in 2008?

“Duh. The black guy won.”

Do you think that could hurt his chances?

“That was, like, a long time ago right? Like Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix long ago.”

What do you think his chances are?

“Good. They wrote The Book of Mormon about him.”


Who is Michelle Bachman and why would you vote for her?

Drew Stevens (12) – “She’s, like, running for president to get gay rights for her husband or something. So that’s good.”

Who in God’s name told you that?

“I don’t know, I heard it on stuff.”

Are you aware she’s been criticized for her same-sex marriage opposition?

“If you want to watch Glee, you should be able to. That show is awesome.”

What do you think of her association with the Tea Party?

“She’s got a hotdog skin face.”


Who is Ron Paul and why would you vote for him?

Natalie Spinicoli (12) – “He wants everyone to smoke pot, but I wouldn’t vote for him because he probably has creepy old man boners”

He has remarkable report with a lot of the youth vote.

“Stop speaking French.”

What do you think about the possibility of a genuine libertarian candidate for president?

“Why would anyone want someone who works in a library to be president?”

That’s not what it means.

“F-ck you.”

So, yea or nay on Ron Paul?

“I guess he’s okay. My dad likes him because he has guns.”

God help us.

“Are we done? I’m going shopping.”


Who is Rick Santorum and why would you vote for him?

Baily Neuman (12) – “ I know him. That’s the guy that’s not allowed to come within 50 feet of our school.”

Wow. Um. Do you know what his stances are?

“He likes to ask the boys in my grade if they’re looking to jumpstart their political careers. So I guess that makes him good.”

How do you feel about his fervent opposition of gay rights?

“Not cool. If he read Hunger Games he would know survival is important to every person regardless of background or standing.”

That’s incredibly insightful.

“Thanks. I’m tweeting a picture of a monkey pooping.”


CRAVE online wishes you a happy 2012!