We are here today to celebrate those who have helped make the year 2011 truly special: the heroes, the villains, the assholes and the asshats, all are to be given their just rewards/desserts in this, the first EVER CraveOnline Manly Man Awards. These are the people, things and moments that defined your year. So make yourself comfortable, rest your Macbook on your post-Christmas bloated midriff and join us as we remember the f***ed up year that was Two-Thousand and Eleven.
The Most Overrated Arse Award
Winner: Pippa Middleton
Pippa Middleton is an attractive woman, but the furore surrounding her backside following the royal wedding leads me to believe that the entire Western media is run by one solitary 13-year-old boy, who happened to hit puberty at the exact moment Princess Kate’s sister sauntered towards the church entrance. Sure, she’s got a nice bum in the “if she was waiting in the same subway as me I’d probably try to catch a cheeky glimpse of it” kind of way, but nothing that would require me to sit down and miss my next train.
The Biggest Douche in the Universe Award
Winner: Paul Christoforo
Paul Christoforo was (was being the operative word) the PR guy for Ocean Marketing and responsible for the distribution and customer support for the Avenger controller. Various infamous emails later with frustrated customer Dave and Penny Arcade’s Mike Krahulik and Christoforo found himself banned from PAX, bombarded with hate mail on his “@oceanmarketting” Twitter account (later changed to the somehow even more poorly spelt “@oceanstratagy”) and on the steady road to becoming an overnight meme sensation.
With his poor grasp of the English language, ridiculous intimidation methods (“I know the Mayor of Boston!”) and awful people skills, Christoforo is now appearing on this wwebsite as on the internet, but for all the wrong reasons.
The Motivational Speech of the Year Award
Winner: Thumbs Up For Rock and Roll!
WE TOO CAN LEARN HOW TO RIDE A BIKE.
The It Was Kind of Funny at First, But Then People Died Award
Back towards the beginning of this year various photos started popping up on Facebook of people lying down in odd places. Then before you knew it this strange practise had received a title, “planking”, and everyone from your granny to multi-millionaire footballers were doing it. It was when plankers started dying in order to pull off these “stunts” that we all felt a little ashamed of ourselves for laughing in the first place.
The A Little Disappointing Award
Winner: Scarlett Johansson
Before 2011 I would’ve quite happily put all my worldly possessions on eBay and sold my Mother to a wealthy Dubai hotel owner in order to spend 5 minutes gazing into ScarJo’s perfect face. Unfortunately, since the scandal surrounding her leaked nude photos, it seems as though the former Mrs Ryan Reynolds has tried her very best to appear as physically unappealing as possible, veering so far into androgyny that it’s difficult to tell whether she’s a Hollywood A-lister or a cosplayer. Add to this a cringe-inducing D&G perfume commercial and 2011 is the year that Scarlett broke my heart.
The Remember This Guy? Award
Winner: Ted Williams
On January 3rd 2011 Ted Williams found himself thrust into the spotlight after a video of him talking in a voice that sounded like it was smothered in warm honey went viral. Next thing he appeared on a whole host of talk shows before his brief fame became too much to handle and he checked into rehab. Where is he now? Uhh…
The Useless Tweeter Award
Winner: Ricky Gervais
While I like Ricky Gervais he has always struck me as the kind of guy who would be really annoying if you met him in real life. After he joined Twitter this year it seems my preconceptions were correct as a cursory glance of his feed reveals an endless stream of self-promotion, “funny” Twitpics of his face and, if you scroll back a few months ago, repeated use of the word ‘mong’. It’s like reading the internal monologue of your drunk uncle at a wedding.
The Gee, Thanks Charlie Sheen Award
Winner: Ashton Kutcher
We had almost forgotten that Ashton Kutcher existed: his terrible movies; his overwhelming pretentiousness; his hat. But then Charlie Sheen had to go and have a meltdown, essentially reigniting Kutcher’s career from being typecast as a dough-eyed man child in mediocre romantic comedies to portraying a dough-eyed man child in a mediocre sitcom. As news of his and Demi Moore’s “Kaballah meeting” to fix their ailing marriage made headlines, those sane among us wanted nothing more than for Charlie Sheen to put his Warlock days behind him, apologise to Chuck Lorre and send Kutcher hurtling back into the D-list.
And The Manly Man of the Year Award goes to…
Winner: Sean Bean
Earlier this year Game of Thrones star Sean Bean (who is 52-years-old) was with Playboy bunny girlfriend April Summers (who is 22-years-old) in the smoking area of Camden’s Hill Bar and Brasserie. After a guy began making suggestive and disrespectful comments towards Summers, Bean confronted him and forced him to leave.
Later on the guy returned, this time becoming involved in an altercation with Bean that led to the actor being stabbed in the arm with broken glass. After the incident Bean refused medical attention, instead opting to buy another drink for himself and his model girlfriend.
Sean Bean, you are our Manliest Man of 2011.