Suffering from obscure Facebook status updates? Need a lesson in subtext? Look no further. We here at CRAVE have come up with a useful guide to help you decipher what your friends are really trying to say.
Kick back, enjoy the Yule, and take a look at Decoding the Facebook: Christmas Edition.
Mike (yesterday): Totally got this awesome neon beer sign for the guys in my frat!
What they’re really saying: “Hopefully this will take their mind of the pending sexual assault charges.”
Rachel (17 hours ago): First Christmas away from home! Miss you Mom & Dad!
What they’re really saying: “I’m going to have so much f-cking sex this Christmas.”
Jose (about an hour ago): Feliz Navidad!
What they’re really saying: “Just in case anybody forgot, I’m still Mexican.”
Billy Bob (seconds ago): Good ole’ AMERICAN Christmas! Obama you ain’t takin’ my Holiday away from me!
What they’re really saying: “American Christmas means super baby Jesus, Reindeer huntin’ and, buying things ‘made in China.’”
Chrissy (3 hours ago): “Christmas Office Party! What should I wear?”
What they’re really saying: “Which underwear will look the best when I Xerox my ass?”
Rueben (yesterday): Hanukah rocks! Best gift of the year so far! Thanks Grandma Finklestien!
What they’re really saying: “A savings account opened in my name… great.”
Trish (about an hour ago): Silent night, holy night.
What they’re really saying: “I just murdered my family with an axe.”
Dan (seconds ago): Buy locally, think globally.
What they’re really saying: “Hope friends and family enjoy shitty dried apricots.”
Karen (two hours ago): Is it okay to be sad on Christmas?
What they’re really saying: “On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me – a pos-it-tive pregnancy test!”
Dave (seconds ago): Good to be back home for the holidays.
What they’re really saying: “Time to rub one out in the ole’ bedroom.”
Happy Holidays from CRAVE Online!