Decoding the Facebook: Christmas Edition

A guide to what your friends are really trying to say this Christmas!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Suffering from obscure Facebook status updates? Need a lesson in subtext? Look no further. We here at CRAVE have come up with a useful guide to help you decipher what your friends are really trying to say.

Kick back, enjoy the Yule, and take a look at Decoding the Facebook: Christmas Edition.


Mike (yesterday): Totally got this awesome neon beer sign for the guys in my frat!

What they’re really saying: “Hopefully this will take their mind of the pending sexual assault charges.”


Rachel (17 hours ago): First Christmas away from home! Miss you Mom & Dad!

What they’re really saying: “I’m going to have so much f-cking sex this Christmas.”


Jose (about an hour ago): Feliz Navidad!

What they’re really saying: “Just in case anybody forgot, I’m still Mexican.”


Billy Bob (seconds ago): Good ole’ AMERICAN Christmas! Obama you ain’t takin’ my Holiday away from me!

What they’re really saying: “American Christmas means super baby Jesus, Reindeer huntin’ and, buying things ‘made in China.’”


Chrissy (3 hours ago): “Christmas Office Party! What should I wear?”

What they’re really saying: “Which underwear will look the best when I Xerox my ass?”


Rueben (yesterday): Hanukah rocks! Best gift of the year so far! Thanks Grandma Finklestien!

What they’re really saying: “A savings account opened in my name… great.”


Trish (about an hour ago): Silent night, holy night.

What they’re really saying: “I just murdered my family with an axe.”


Dan (seconds ago): Buy locally, think globally.

What they’re really saying: “Hope friends and family enjoy shitty dried apricots.”


Karen (two hours ago): Is it okay to be sad on Christmas?

What they’re really saying: “On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me – a pos-it-tive pregnancy test!”


Dave (seconds ago): Good to be back home for the holidays.

What they’re really saying: “Time to rub one out in the ole’ bedroom.”


Happy Holidays from CRAVE Online!