You may remember a little incident that occurred a couple of months ago when Manchester United’s Ryan Giggs lost control of his penis and began dicking about with former Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas behind his wife’s back. Because his penis is a completely separate entity from the rest of his body he decided that, rather than take responsibility for his actions, he would instead take out a “super injuction”, which basically meant that when news of the affair surfaced the media wasn’t allowed to mention Giggs by name, instead referring to him as the “mystery footballer”.
Unfortunately for Giggs his identity wasn’t all that much of a mystery, because everybody knew it was him thanks to the news leaking on Twitter; this led to a strange little period of time wherein everybody was talking about Ryan Giggs, but not talking about him at the same time.
While this was all pretty annoying it did draw our attention back onto Imogen Thomas. Lovely Imogen Thomas. With a smile made out of diamonds and breasts so astoundingly magnificent it was as if God created them whilst struggling with a debilitating erection, we’d happily read countless stories of silly footballers shagging models just to gaze into her chocolate eyes.
I mean, just look at her;
If upon looking at that photograph you didn’t scream “AWOOOOGA” whilst your eyes and heart simultaneously propelled forth from your body, then suffice to say you aren’t a man. Well, you’re still a man technically, but your taste in women leaves something to be desired.
Unfortunately, lovely Miss Thomas (have I mentioned how lovely she is?) had her name dragged down in the tabloids after it was reported that she had blackmailed Giggs for money so that the story wouldn’t go public. It turns out that it was all an elaborate LIE and that sweet Imogen had done nothing of the sort. How could anybody think she was anything other than innocent though?
After she was branded not guilty at court today Imogen released a statement saying that she was shocked that she had to defend her character and that the whole experience had been “extremely upsetting” for her. I never want to see you sad, Imogen. Here’s a poem I’ve wrote in order to cheer you up:
Oh lovely Imogen Thomas,
I always believed you, I promise,
My heart truly beckons,
For Giggsy’s sloppy seconds,
Oh lovely Imogen Thomas.
Photo Credit: Lia Toby/WENN.com