Welcome back to the story of that time I played Wrath of Ashardalon alone in the middle of the night! If that statement does not apply to you, check out the first two times I played with myself HERE unt HERE.
When we last left Tarak the Half-Orc Rogue, he (I) was being double teamed by Bear and a brain/beak/tentacle monster called a Grell. The whole thing broke a ton of laws. So, with a Bear to the left of me, and a Grell to the right, what was a wounded adventurer to do?
If you said "use my daily power", then you play D&D as well, and I respect you for it. For those of you who have no idea what that means, y'all are just fine too, and it doesn't really matter. I had the ability to use my TORNADO STRIKE, which would allow me to attack four times. Let's do this.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. For the uninformed, those four D20s at the bottom of the picture that all show less than 5 on them are the dice I rolled to hit these guys. I needed, like, a 6. Out of 20. Apparently, it's difficult to fight with a bear's dick in your mouth. Then they responded to my impotent flailing by accomplishing the closest a Bear and a Tentacle monster can manage to a double elbow drop.
So it seems like my options at this point are run away or die again. I did have one more healing surge… though I should save it, just in case another bear shows up. Phtbht. That would be ridiculous.
This game is ridiculous. Now I don't really have any options. Maybe I can convince them all to spare me so we can make the sitcom 2 Bears, a Grell and a Half-Orc Pizza Place.
No, I must perservere! I can win this! The Grell is on me, but I know I can figure out his weakness. He's a giant brain, so I probably can't out-think him… what about brute force? Brains are really fragile, right? I give the brain a big 'ole kick, smashing it against the wall. That, by the way, is your brain on drugs.
Filled with confidence, I approach the bear I haven't yet tasted, and ready my sword.
Aaaaand he kills me. I'm starting to notice a theme…
Meebak, the keeper of this dungeon I keep dying in, finally arrives, and doesn't need to do anything, because I'm already laying there dead. But that's okay. 'Cause I've got one more healing surge. Let's do this thing…
Okay. I'm surged up and I've got one more shot. This is my chance. This is my moment. I'm gonna go kill a bear, then I'm heading for Meebak.
Can you hear the Rocky theme song? Not the Eye of the Tiger, the good one. Cause it's playing in my head as I rise (yet again) from the grave and begin charging down the hallway. The bear and I lock eyes. I see into is freaking soul man. And I'm going to stab the shit out of it.
EVERYBODY READY FOR THE CRAZY TWIST ENDING?
I died. I stabbed the bear, then he decapitated me with his claw. Bears can do that. I saw it on youtube one. F***ing sick.
So, I lost the game. But I killed three hours. And don't start talking about how I'm so "bold" and "daring" because I would end a story by killing the protagonist. Poor abused Tarak died in a pit that he didn't even mean to go into because I am bad at that game. End of story. He may have made it with some aid, but unfortunately for him I am PLAYING WITH MYSELF.
Next week, I tackle Solitaire Pictionary. I've got rules and everything. So make sure to tune in for:
The Assassination of the Replication of the Image of Jesse James by the Coward Zack S. West
The Treachery of Images
(If the game looks interesting, pick it up at your local gaming store. If you find me interesting, follow me on twitter @ZSWest and check out the gaming podcast I'm involved in, www.pizzagamesandzombies.com. And tell me your thoughts in the comments! I might even respond…)