I’m not a parent and I don’t know if I will ever become one. And knowing that I could have some creepy kid that gives me long, unblinking stares, communes with Ghosts, or starts babbling in Latin while trying to stab herself with a Crucifix, I’m heading for the door.
Why? Childbirth is traumatic enough. Pushing a human being out of your crotch is tough. If I knew I would have to follow that up with a child who gets up in the night to play with evil spirits or plots to kill me, I’m going to say no thanks.
And here we have, some of the creepiest kids of all time. If you have a younger bro or sis, be thankful they didn’t pull this kind of crap growing up.
The twins from The Shining.
Fascinating how girls wearing matching light blue dresses with perfectly presentable hair can be so terrifying. Is it the fact that they’re twins, and twins are naturally creepy? (Like the Olsen twins and Venus and Serena Williams—let’s just admit it). Is it the fact that they just somehow know Danny’s name? But, then again, ghosts just seem to know a lot of things (like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense). All these elements probably have some effect, with the most powerful one being that the twins wish to play with Danny forever and ever. Remarkable how that’s more effective and creepy than saying—hey we’d like to stab you and bleed you out slowly in front of a mirror, with each of us chewing on one of your thumbnails.
The kid from The Omen.
First of all, anyone who has even remotely enjoyed that movie needs to give it up for the casting department. How do you find a kid that could play the anti-Christ? Well, they did—or perhaps a better question is how do you find parents who are willing to let their kids play the anti-Christ? Generally, the kid achieves the most spook by giving vacant stares that allow him to channel pure evil. If he were any older, you might just assume he was high or internally dealing with irritable bowel syndrome, but as a cherubic lad, that expression is just chills.
Regan from The Exorcist.
Sure she channels the beast perfectly—her head spins and she pukes on you. The creepiest part of that movie was when the transformation was taking place—when she was playing with Ouija boards, urinating during her mom’s parties and walking around with this inexplicably shadowy expression—it was not unlike George W Bush at the end of presidency in 2008—spooky and saying very little, flitting out now and then to say a few words and then running for cover.
The kids from The Others.
Part of their scare was simply their look—like they were snatched from a Dickens’ novel. The other part was their odd sensitivity to light—they were like mini vampires trapped in this Gothic and a house so scary you could wet your pants if a stair creaked too loudly.
The kid from The Sixth Sense.
I see dead people. Oh, hey, nothing creepy about that. What do you mean you see dead people? I thought dead people were buried and not mingling around us. What? You see dead bodies hanging from nooses that are here on some level but just not visible to me? Oh, okay. I’m going to check my tire pressure and then stir some barbiturites into my coffee just so I can handle live with this new knowledge. Great.
If any kids you know start mumbling about ghosts, dead people, the other side, or other such stuff that's going to cause your ulcer to flare and give you nightmares, take the kid to a shrink and then a priest. You'll be glad you did.