Thank you all for joining me for another episode of Playing With Myself, where I turn a lens on myself and show the public what I do in my sad, lonely leisure time. For those of you just joining us, here is the first.
When we left you last week, our hero Tarak (a.k.a. me) was injured, poisoned, vibrating and surrounded. It seems like all is lost, and the crafty Half-Orc Rogue rape-baby may find his end here in Meebak's lair. It looks like there is no chance for him, like hope is something long forgotten now. If the enemies all around him don't get him, the poison will.
In one last desperate attempt to escape, I took a shot at the Orc bearing down on me. I hit him in the chest, but the big guy just wouldn't go down. For a moment I considered my options, whether I would prefer a quick mauling death or a long poisony one.
It seems as if the corvette answer was behind previously unannounced door 3, which happens to be getting mauled and then falling down a pit and dying. Game over. That was mildly abrupt and disappointing.
But wait! It says in the rules that I get two healing surges, which apparently work like the fairy bottles in Zelda. Suddenly, surrounded by a glow and a cacophony of 'hey, listen!'s, I hovered out of the pit with ease. My wounds closed up, the poison was removed from my system, and I was placed gently back on firm(ish) ground. Let's get some revenge. Not on the pit, I don't think I can hurt it with arrows. But the guys who were trying to kill me and forced me to back into the pit? They're gonna f***ing pay.
While it took me dying and almost packing up the game to figure this out, apparently I have a bag of calthrops. For the uninformed, calthrops are objects that look kind of like jacks (the kind nobody has played with for decades, because that's a reference I'm sure everyone will immediately be able to conjure, ugh) only extremely sharp. They were designed to screw up horses feet so they couldn't run anymore, disabling them. Kind of like those severe tire damage things, or the movie Home Alone.
I throw these babies down as soon as possible, seeing my enemies approach quickly. I was channeling a medieval Kevin McCallister, expecting some hopping on one foot and shouting, possibly someone slipping and falling into the pit. Well, apparently I stumbled into a hemophiliac treatment center and not a dungeon, because both the Orc and a Gibbering Mouther that came out of nowhere and I forgot to mention bled to death the instant they stepped on them. The Grell seemed protected by the fact that it was a floating monstrous brain with a beak, and therefore didn't need to step on the calthrops to move in slowly and force me to soil myself repeatedly.
Also, if you notice in the back there, a bear showed up. A freaking bear. It's like this game was crafted entirely out of my nightmares. I'd love to spend hours dissecting these dreams with a group of uninterested friends, but unfortunately, I am PLAYING WITH MYSELF.
Fortunately, I still have one trick up my sleeve. What is it? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion! Will it be…
Meebak, You Jane
Man vs Wild: Starring Bears & Grells
Behind you. BEHIND YOU!
(If the game looks interesting, pick it up at your local gaming store. If you find me interesting, follow me on twitter @ZSWest and check out the gaming podcast I'm involved in, www.pizzagamesandzombies.com. And tell me your thoughts in the comments! I might even respond…)