Ring-ding, dorks! It’s your boy Ty Breckinridge checking in! Thought I’d take some time out of my studies at The Sioux City College of Bartending Academy to give you sci-fi twats a little dose of reality from somebody who actually knows a thing or two about great movies: me. Let’s just start with the basics: if your favorite film doesn’t have “Die” or “Fast” in the title, better change your diaper, bitch! I don’t want to see the word “Harry” in my movie title unless you’ve got a “Dirty” in front of it, you pussy-ass nerd.
Couple days ago I had some people at the bar where I intern at pissing and moaning about the problems with the latest Blu-Ray release of The Empire Strikes Back. They kept complaining about how the movie got ruined since it got re-released. Gotta new flash for you: That movie sucked in the first place! Check my flow:
1. Vader’s Head Looks Like Strawberry Ice Cream
This scene is supposed to make us all ponder the mystery of what’s going on inside this guy’s helmet, and all I can think of is….Haagen Daz. Laaaaaame! I mean, for God’s sake Lucas, if you’re going to use an ice cream flavor for the guy’s head, make it something actually scary, like Rocky Road or Rum Raisin or some shit. Last time I checked, kids aren’t scared of strawberries and cream. Or how about this for a concept? If you absolutely have to make his head look like food, how about you make his skin look sweet like a Tombstone pizza that’s been in the oven for a couple days like Freddy Kreuger? Now that I mention it, you guys should totally give Vader knife hands. Think about it! Choking some dude in the air, and the guy’s all like “well at least I’m not getting choked by his knife hands”. Shit would be sick.
2. More like Shitty Dee Williams
I love how after Star Wars 1 blew up George Lucas’ friends were all like “Hey George, where the brothers at?” And he was like “The aliens are the brothers.” And they were like “Naw, man. You got any black humans in your Star Wars?” And George was all like “Oh, shit!” So then he put some token minority in a he-blouse in some disco city in the sky. Way to miss the mark, and it’s bad casting to begin with. I know a dude at my bartending school who told me that they were gonna cast Eddie Murphy as Lando, which would have been way funnier. The guy has serious acting range. Let’s see Billy Dee Williams try and pull off Donkey in the critically-acclaimed Shrek Forever After. Yeah, I didn’t think so, bitch. Totally gonna tape this year’s Oscars, my boy Eddie is gonna kill it!
3. Quit Kissing Your Sister, Dude
How many movies are they going to make with this Flowers in the Attic bullshit? I mean, there’s a time and a place for everything, it’s called porn. Clearly Lucas had been watching too much Sally Jessie Raphael or Maury when he made up the Star Wars, trying to drum up some trailer-trash incest ratings. I guess the lowest common denominator of your audience would actually be inbred people in trailer parks, right? I honestly thought Luke was gonna bone Leia in the last movie! He puts the moves on her in that last scene, right? Say what you will, but movies like The Last Starfighter had a core set of values, in which a strong white male saves all of the people of the universe who are too weak to get their shit together.
4.) The big surprise ending IS….he meets his Dad.
Seriously? That’s it? He runs into his Dad? Do you know how often I have to see my piece of shit old man? Every goddamn time I want to take a shower I have to walk by his room and he’s watching Dancing with the Stars or something equally gay with my step mom. What happens at the end of the first Star Wars? A big robot planet blows up. Huge explosion, orgasm all over space. How does the last Star Wars end? Yeah – that’s right: big robot planet blows up, space fireworks everywhere. How does the middle Star Wars end? His dad tells him he’s grounded or something. Shit is so weak. If my dad showed up during my space epic, let alone cut my fucking hand off, you bet your ass I’d go stay at my boy Chad’s house for a few nights. Chad is the shit, he lives with his grandma and we used to steal her pills and sell them to this kid Ryan Orjahowski across the street and tell him they were ecstasy!
Hey, smoke break’s over, I gotta jet back to my Intermediate MaiTais for Moms class. I’m working on my own cocktail called The Fingerblast that I’m gonna premiere at Chili’s when I graduate next spring. You guys should totally come out, I’ll shoot you the Fbook invite! Next time I hear you vadges whining into your tricorders, just remember: there’s no way to ruin a movie that is already some poorly-cast, incestuous garbage with bad guys that have ice cream heads. Peace in the east.
Lee Keeler is the co-founder of ClassyHands.com and contributing writer for The Devastator Quarterly, “The Quarterly Comedy Magazine for Humans”.