Fred “Limp Bizkit” Durst just got a sitcom deal on CBS. Clearly, America is headed in the right direction. The new series has been nicknamed “Douchebag” and will follow “a rock legend looking for balance between his high profile lifestyle and trying to raise a family.” So it’s kind of like “Hannah Montana,” only without the double identity gimmick that makes “Hannah Montana” over-the-top ridonkulous, as opposed to just groaningly ridonkulous.
I decided to put on my idea cap (backwards, of course) and do some development for the upcoming series. No need to thank me, CBS. However, I will require a massive paycheck…
1. Title Suggestions Based On Limp Bizkit Songs – “My Way,” “I Did It All For The Family,” “Breaking Stuf” (Fred’s character could be named Fred Stuf) or… y’know, “Douchebag” actually works just fine.
2. Fred’s Kids – Fred should have two teenage boys. They’re rich, white, totally hardcore dudes who scream about how angry they are even though they have no reason to be angry about anything, so Fred will finally understand what he inflicted on us all ten years ago.
3. Uncle Wes – Make-up wearing guitarist Wes Borland should be the DJ Jazzy Jeff to Fred Durst’s Fresh Prince. This is because DJ Lethal’s Q-rating is legendarily low. Since Wes is known for wearing a lot of make-up on stage, his character should be a strangely effeminate oddball. A weirdo by trade, Uncle Wes gives Fred radical advice – that helps him out of any jam! (Or into a jam, if the jam is a musical jam. For family jams, Wes de-jams Fred’s jams.)
4. Rollin’ – The scene transitions should be Fred Durst rollin’ in a fancy car. Being a rock star, sometimes there are slutty groupies in the car, and we see Fred’s wife (a blonde actress from “MadTV” – find one off Wikipedia) occasionally pop out from the backseat frowning, nodding her head in disapproval. Rock star husbands – am I right, average American wives?
5. A Place To Chillax – Between family life and the rock ‘n’ roll studio, Fred’s gonna need a place to just relax and be himself. Why not take a page from real life and make it the STD-ridden grotto at the Playboy Mansion? Sure, “The Playboy Club” was just canceled, but that’s because there were murders or something. Nobody wants to see Playboy associated with murder, but everyone wants to see Fred Durst’s character cheat on his wife by getting a blowjob from an emotionally unstable hottie in exchange for a background role in a music video. You can take that to the TV bank, and with the money, buy a lifetime supply of hot dog flavored water. Yum!
Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator: The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans! Header image via.