Marshmallow Cereal Shapes I’d Like to See

Not the creepy and enormous Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from the 80s, but some others. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

A friend of mine was very drunk and during his drunkenness, he went on a rant about how he recently opened up a box of a popular kids’ breakfast cereal, one which features an array of multi-colored charms. He started screaming, “And I looked at the charms, and I thought, ‘I don’t remember these, I don’t remember these!!’” I believe he was referring to the fact that the cereal company had introduced many new marshmallow multi-colored charms since we were kids, thus making the cereal almost damn unrecognizable.

That’s not an easy thing to stomach (ha, get it?!). It would be nice to go back to a popular breakfast cereal from childhood and see those same candied marshmallows, in the same familiar shapes and colors, like an unchanged menu from a beloved diner.

But the reality is, they’ve changed the charms and they will continue to change them

So I’ve got an idea, let’s band together as consumers and make some polite suggestions for marshmallow charms we’d like to see. 

A doorknob.

Now isn’t that inspiring. Miniature, golden doorknobs to symbolize the success and the thresholds these young breakfast eaters will someday reach or cross. How wonderful. Of course, a mini marshmallow doorknob can too easily look like a growth or ball of pus, which is totally gross, especially in the morning. Hmmm.

A small ring shaped marshmallow that’s too small to actually fit anywhere but on the very tops of one’s fingers. Why? Kids like to try and push objects that could almost be rings onto their fingers as rings. The they’ll say, “Hey mom, my finger is wearing a hat!” Indeed, the height of originality.


A flat oval-shaped object. This idea is gold. Some kids will think it’s a snowboard, other kids will think it’s a boogie board. Others will think it’s a portable desk to balance a miniature lap top on. And still others will think it’s a dinosaur foot print. It will be the truly transcendent, an all things to all kids candy charm. For example, it could look like a… hockey mask or something else related to the sport like, half a puck.  

A tiny globe. Yep, educators and parents around the world will appreciate this, thinking it will foster a love of learning geography for their kids. Then they will suddenly realize that this globe looks like a swirly marble and they don’t want their kids to start swallowing marbles. Kids in third world countries will think it’s a ball of yarn, encouraging them to continue their industrial duties.  And still depraved kids will think it’s a glob of slime and dip it in milk and chase their younger brothers around the house with it. Good times.