Why I Can’t Wait for Cthulu’s Coming

Cthulu is on it's way. Either you're with him, or you're stuck in an alternate dimension made entirely of screaming.

Zack S. Westby Zack S. West

Everyone says the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Nobody has morals anymore. The news is all sensationalist bullshit. Normal people are raping children to fuel their cars, or something. The thing is, those people are woefully misinformed. Hell is coming to us, and it's coming in the form of the great and mighty Cthulu.

For those of you who are unaware, Cthulu is a dark deity with immense power and one goal- complete and utter chaos. It was first discovered by the science fiction author H.P. Lovecraft, who spent the majority of his life trying to warn us of what was coming before he was sucked into Another Dimension to join the Elder Gods. But nobody's listening, and I like that just fine.

Have you ever seen something so beautiful?

That's right. I'm excited. I want Cthulu to come. Now, I'm not a cultist. I don't bleed into circles while chanting, and I don't neccesarily want to grow tentacles and a develop penchant for soul-harrowing. I'm just saying that this world has strayed pretty far from the path, and I think something like everyone on the planet going insane and the sky turning purple and filled with teethed lightning vaginas might be just what the doctor ordered. I mean, if your doctor is a Great Old One.

So here's what's going to happen. All around the world, little pockets of true, unadulterated insanity are gonna pop up. We might have a few unidentified flying hellspawn sightings, possibly followed by limb removal, or mind rape. Muggers will ignore your wallet in preference to your organs, leaving you bleeding to death in an alley while they perform their blasphemous kidney-based rituals. Maybe the Empire State Building will sprout a hundred thousand glowing red eyes. And that's when the fun starts.

Once entire cities start being enslaved by monsters so hideous a Japanese cartoon would terror-shit, that's when you start to see what humanity is really capable of. As we've learned from two world wars and countless comic books, the greatest tragedies create the greatest heroes. Think about all the children who would have to watch their parents be skullf***ed to death by hellhounds. Sure, 99 out of 100 would simply stand in place screaming forever, but the kid that makes it through that? He'd be like a thousand Batmans.

Oh, your parents got shot? Aren't you soooooooo lucky.

So, while the vast majority of the population is suffuring worse than they could have ever possibly imagined, a small cadre of the greatest heroes in the history of existence will be gathering.

We're talking individuals so brave they can beat a 4,000 eyed Deep One in a staring contest. It doesn't matter how crazy shit gets, these guys will be able to handle it. And shit's gonna get crazy.

I know this is a leap, but my assumption is that these individuals will lead us to victory against the dark legions of ancient horror occupying our fragile planet. I mean, if we all die, at least none of us can complain about having a boring death. But if we succeed, that means that these heroes that saved the planet will still be around. Level-headed superhumans that can lead us to a new age of prosperity and sensibility. I mean, if they can survive the mental torment of the coming of Cthulu, I'm sure they can deal with the tax code.

And that's what we need. In a world where we have nobody to trust, and nothing to believe in, we need the most horrific possible events to transpire. Something to truly show us who has the brains, braun and balls to save humanity from itself. Considering Cthulu is probably slightly better at killing us than we are, all we have to do now is worship the Necronomicon till he is powerful enough.

Come on guys. You knew I didn't really want to bring about the end of the world, right?

What do you think I am? Shub-Niggurath?