Hell Hath No Fury…

You know the rest, boys.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

As the lone woman writer of the comedy section, I consider it my duty to write about this. I feel I would have no right to my ovaries if I didn’t take a few pot-shots at Ashton and his dirty (limp and smallish, I bet) dick.

Unless you call home that rustic place underneath the nearest boulder, you know all about Ashton banging some blonde thing named Sarah Leal. Now in an Arnold Schwarzenegger-like fashion, other women are coming out of the woodwork saying that he balled them once or twice too, and that apparently, Ashton is very easy. You don’t even need to buy him a drink. Apparently, you just need to wink at him and cock your head to the backseat of your Volvo and he’s down.

What about Demi? Well word on the street is that she’s losing weight rapidly and is stoic. Well that’s no fun. Here are some JUICY ideas on how she can enact revenge on the mo-fo. Because without revenge, there’s no point in living. Revenge is what makes it possible to recover from such humiliation and what keeps a desperate woman from the edge of a cliff.

Bang John Cryer.

Yep, this is my favorite one. Just think about how much that will sting and smart. Kutcher has got to see him five days out of seven for work… and he’s going to know that his co-star (who is practically a woman, let’s get real) has stuck his dick in his (ex) wife. It’ll be especially great when Cryer starts showing up to work exhausted, with hickies, and receives constant calls and texts from Demi. Yes, there is the obvious problem that no woman actually wants to sleep with John Cryer, but it will be worth it in the long run.

A Few CHOICE Words.

It would make Demi look bad if she starts bad-mouthing Kutcher directly to the press… but a smart woman like Demi knows that she could easily let some rumors out of the bag in a roundabout manner to help ruin Kutcher’s reputation. Stuff like “I should’ve known he would act out in this manner since Ashton struggles so much with his sexuality and being able to admit to himself who he really is.” Or: “Ashton’s still a really sensitive guy. He’s not afraid to try on dresses, heels, dance around, and put on a real show. In fact, there are some dresses I set aside just for him.”

Two words: Michael Kutcher.

For those of you who don’t know, Ashton has a fraternal twin brother. Yep. You know what I’m getting at. And I know this idea is derivative of the first one, but who really cares? It’s derivative because it’s damn effective. Banging Michael Kutcher is the closest Demi could get to shoving a steel pipe up Ashton’s derriere. And in case you were wondering, Michael Kutcher is Ashton’s very fraternal twin. Pictures of them together make Ashton look like he’s standing next to a gorilla. But still, it would likely scar Ashton for a long time and that is absolutely priceless.