The Next Ted Bundy

Lives in Ohio. Read all about it.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

For those of you who don’t concern yourself with things that happen in Ohio, check this out. In Wilmington, Ohio, a 16 year old who was benched from his school’s football game placed a sharp object in his glove and went through the handshake line, piercing and puncturing the hand of everyone he shook. The teammates who were on the receiving end of this party train, had to get health department ordered tetanus shots.

This is disturbing in more ways than one. First of all, last I heard people were still saying that they, “thought it was a tack.” Dang, that’s comforting. Of course, it could also still be the tip of a dirty hypodermic needle. Or a tack. Well, I guess we’ll just find out in due time. See if the any of the players come down with sudden colds that turn into pneumonia. Well, that’s something to look forward to.

His behavior is all to evocative of the faint charm of old Ted Bundy. Bundy would offer help to women–such as an offer to carry heavy objects to their cars and then attack them. This stunt is way too much like the false charm of the Bundster. This kid, whoever he is, is a Ted Bundy in training.

So this article goes out to his parents. There’s a couple things of you should check for in his room.

Corpses: Animals. Humans.

Body parts: Animals Humans.

Maps: These sociopath types often have plans to annihilate the human race, truck stop by truck stop, so I would have a look for things like maps or blueprints, just to be on the safe side. You might even find a blueprint of your own home, with your bedroom circled and with bizarre arrows pointing to it. 

Old Food: These disturbed types are, well disturbed and often given to hoarding stuff for later… use. If you smell weird stenches coming from this kid’s room, check under the bed for a piece of salmon strangled in a strip of bacon.

Chemicals. These sociopaths in training are often trying to make their own bombs, dynamite or make their own poisons (or improve upon poisons already out there). If you find an oddly large amount of drain-o or OJ in this kid’s room, I would take him to a shrink.

Sharp Objects. I don’t mean to delve into clichés, but there’s more to look for in your kid's room than knives or blades (though do look for those as well!). Consider metal files, hacksaws, jigsaws or anything that would hurt against human skin. Rusty nails. You get the picture. We’re talking about a kid who assaulted 27 people in a row with a tack in his hand in the name of good sportsmanship. I don’t think you can be too careful, Mr. and Mrs. Freakshow.