Moderate Rain: The Armagedapocalybloodening

People in Los Angeles can not handle falling water. Make fun of them for it.

Zack S. Westby Zack S. West

People who live in Los Angeles deserve to be made fun of. I would never consider disputing that. Even though I live here now, I grew up in New York City, where 4th grade is "How to make fun of people from Los Angeles, New Jersey and Boston, and some Math." But let's pump the breaks a little, because I think that the world doesn't quite know what to make fun of us Angelinos about.

Conservatives tease us about being pot smoking married homosexuals, while the liberals tear at the super-rich celebrities and the imitators of their "throw money at things till I'm happy" lifestyle. There are jokes about the attitude of the city, the wide eyed naivete of newcomers, and the jaded coked-up stare of the Veterangelians (it's gonna be a thing). Hell, even I took a stab at the poor driving habits in this city.

But we're all missing the point, because there is one thing about Los Angeles that is so hilarious and embarassing that we should change our name to Nos Cojones.

We can't handle a little rain.


Remember when I said I grew up in New York? I know what rain is. I've seen rain that would slap you for insulting it with a wussy name like torrential. I've taken the subway when it looked more like a log flume. One time, I dove into the Hudson just to dry off.

Yesterday marked the first rain of the fall, and everybody in LA just straight up flipped their shit. You know what we call that much rain in New York? At least my umbrella didn't instantly break weather. My father would say "Meh. It's damp." Then he would laugh at a tourist in a poncho.

My father, like me, very carefully balances awesome and jackass.

But that's not what happens in the great city of Los Angeles. Oh no. We get mass hysteria. And it's not even raining like dogs and cats living together. But the mild drizzle we experienced yesterday caused ridiculous traffic, event rescheduling and a hefty number of car accidents. All anyone could talk about was how devastating it was that water was falling from the sky. People were acting like precipitation existed solely to make them miserable, and for that matter, that it was actually capable of making them miserable. It was like someone had dropped a bomb on us, only it was water, and the only people that got hurt were idiots and the victims of idiots.

The thing that really blew my mind was that yesterday, #rain was a topic that was trending on twitter. This is the day that Steve Jobs died. And while I may have my issues with Apple as a company, I have a great deal of respect for Jobs, his accomplishments, and his ideals. He was trending too, but on the day that someone that prolific passes early, how are there barely more people mourning him in the entire world then bitching about their commute in LA?

If the population of Seattle was that self involved, #rain would be the only topic that EVER trends.

So, as a TransplAngelino (this will also be a thing), I am giving the world permission to make fun of all of us, including myself, about this. 'Cause let's be honest, it's f***ing embarassing. Not only are we self obsessed, but we lose our shit around the most common and least dangerous of all weather. Arm your insult bombs and let them fly. We'll probably be able to deal with it better than the rain.