Bully Vegans

Biff Tannen could've been vegan with that attitude. Here's how to respond for the bully vegan up in your face. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

We’ve all been up against one at some point. The vegan that walks around as though he/she has a pristine, feathery pair of angel’s wings extending from his/her spine. The least that said vegan can do is put us on the path of righteousness by his/her side and rip that egg-salad sandwich from our hands, because it’s cruel to hardboil an egg.

I have never met a vegan that didn’t try to either:

a) Convert everyone nearby.

-Or- 

b). Say things that would make my unsatisfactory food choices seem puke-a-licious.

I say, these bully vegans are relying on shame and misinformation to intimidate and embarrass the carnivores among us. And the only way to stand up to them is with witty comebacks that will make them shut their traps.

Retort #1: A cow killed my mother. And that’s why I eat burgers.

Surely you can have fun making up a story about how a cow rolled over on your mother, who was taking a nap in a pasture (just because) and crushed her to death. Keep a straight face when you talk about the countless hours your mother suffered, underneath Bessie.

Retort #2: Jesus ate fish.

Listen, if there’s one thing I know about humanity (at least in our p.c. era), it’s that  people don’t like to argue with your religion. Why? Because it’s too easy to turn around and say, “Really, well you sound a lot like a BIGOT.” Tell that vegan that’s all up in your grill that the consumption of fish by Jesus is implied at numerous points in the Bible and that veganism offends your religious beliefs. And then take a big bite of your steak.

Retort #3: Drop Names.

Number one, I’ve had more than one vegan tell me that Clint Eastwood is a vegan, which is more than just a lie, it’s a laughable lie. Can you imagine that gravely voice and that sneer ordering lima beans and tofu?? No way. When I tell these liar vegans that Clint Eastwood is not a vegan, as stated in an interview conducted by the NY Times, they tell me that such an article is out date (three years ago) and that Clint has since probably converted. I know, it sounds like madness to me too.

I usually respond by saying things like Will Smith, Tom Hanks and the guy that landed the plane in the Hudson river are all carnivores.

And that Casey Affleck, Mike Tyson and Weird AL Yankovic are all vegan. 

Who's team do you want to be on?