Tests for Women: turning the tables

Women think they're so smart, evaluating and judging men on the first date according to some intricate criteria: well, now you can turn the tables. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Women are always bragging about how they have little tests for men that they dole out during the first date, such as the test of whether a man compliments her and how much or if he remembers to open the door for her, or if she’s carrying a large cactus with a bejeweled gnome on top—will he notice, etc.

Well it’s time to turn the tables on the ladies. The tests aren’t for the dress-wearing folk anymore. Remember A Bronx’s Tale when the gangster tells that kid that if a woman does not reach over and unlock the driver’s side door for him once he’s seated her in his car, she is a dead to him and he must drop her immediately?

Well this article is like that.

Take her to a diner on the first date. This is the lowest barometer to assess whether or not she’s worth pulling out of a burning building. If she does not genuinely seem to love diners and all that diners offer (like hash browns) you don’t want to f-ing know this girl. I’m serious. And if she orders the one thing on the menu that indicates she’s not fully into this experience, like just a side of toast—or if she tries to order bottled water—I would seriously rethink things.

Stage a Bump-In. Ask one of your friends to “bump in” to you guys while you’re out. Ask him to slide his hand on your date’s derriere while you look the other way. If your date slaps him, she’s a definite keeper. If she looks uncomfortable and moves away, she’s generally a keeper. If she looks into it, drop her off at the nearest 7-11 with $1.75 and wish her luck.

Tell her you’ve been feeling under the weather. Just throw this little gem out casually. If she’s a keeper, a look of concern will flash across her face, and she’ll ask you if you’ve been drinking plenty of fluids, taking vitamins and getting rest. If she looks simply grossed out, she’s going to look grossed out when you’re sick and she’s your girlfriend. She’s going to watch you puke into the wastebasket while hanging facedown off the side of the bed and ask you to watch where you spray that shi*t. Seriously.

Tell her you think her sister/roommate/best friend is really pretty. Not only is this trinket fun to do, it truly tells you a lot about the person you’re looking right at. If she’s a keeper, a look of brief anxiety/alarm should flit across her face. This is normal. This just means she wants you to find her the most attractive one of all. If she gets too anxious, like starts to fall apart right in front of you, that’s a bad sign. That’s like someone who’s not looking for a date, she’s looking for someone to tell her she’s an okay human being. If she acts like it doesn’t bother her at all, and convinces you of that—tread carefully, my good man. It either means she’s genuinely not interested in what you think of her (which is weird on a first date) or is some sort of sociopath who excels at masking her feelings and is storing up a lot of gruesome surprises. Either way, going through her purse when she steps out to the ladies room is justified… and might save your life.