Reasons Why I Wish Men still Wore Hats Unironically

Gentlemen, there’s was time you wouldn’t leave the house without your dapper little friend. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

I’m not talking about a three-pack of condoms, I’m talking about a damn hat—felt porkpie, the curled-brim homburg, the derby, the straw boater, and the straw Panama hat, something anything. If you can wear such a hat without acting or looking like a total douche or Justin Timberlake, you’re on the right track.

It gave you something to do. I don’t want to sound like I’m dumbing things down, but men, sometimes you get nervous around women. Sometimes you don’t get nervous around women, but you still can’t think of anything to say. Back in the day, a hat gave you a sufficient lead in.  You could tip your hat to a lady or remove your hat before walking into a room. Sure it sounds small, but you men need all the help you can get.

It gave you an instant reason to see a woman again. Don’t leave some gum wrapper or a t-shirt in a lady’s apartment if you want to see her again. Leave your top hat behind! Back in the day, men used to do that all the time, because it worked like a charm! OR if you’re at a party, at the end of the night, act like you can’t remember where you put your hat and entreat the help of a hot number to help you.

It covers your head, masking smells and other grossness. Few men out there have superb hygiene. While I’m not knocking or belittling men, nor telling you dudes how to live your life or how often to give the top of your head a scrub-a-dub, I will say that now and then via G-rated moments in life I’ve gotten a whiff of a man’s scalp and recoiled like the German army. And during those times, these heads+hair  have smelled like month old mac-n-cheese with a dallop of shellac. And it was at those moments that I long for a barrier of felt and woven straw between my nose and your heads.

I just reread that sentence and see how it could be interpreted in an X-rated manner. Alas.

Finally, hats make you look not like schmucks. Look, continue wearing your cargo pants and old coca-cola logo t-shirt. You look great. You add a fedora (not a K-Fed Fedora, but a legit vintage one) and you look more like someone who demands a tad more respect. What’s my point? I have a friend who wears a suit/skinny tie/shades, a la Reservoir Dogs everywhere he goes. And for someone with no job/car/prospects, he gets treated real nice at Denny’s. A hat could do that for you too.