Anyone who has read my work here on CraveOnline knows I'm ok with a few lies from time to time, even a lot of the time. Hell, I'm cool with lies whenever they are remotely helpful. But here are some lies not to cover your arse, but just of the shits and giggles variety. Have fun. Be safe.
#1 Tom Selleck used to babysit for me as a kid.
Now this one is just random enough to be believable. Once people raise their eyebrows in skepticism, just calmly explain that Selleck used to have a piece of vacation property in (name your state—Wisconsin, Massachusetts, Florida, Texas—what have you) and that your dad and him pledged the same fraternity back in the day—just make up a name like Sigma Si Pi. Explain the he lived down the street from you, loved kids and was too busy to have any of his own (another lie). Talk about building forts in the backyard with Mr. Magnum, and how he’d hold your ice cream cone when you had to tie your shoe, ahem, and how he signed onto do “Three Men and a Baby” after being inspired from the time he spent with you. Why indulge in any of these fanciful lies? Do you have any better ideas, hotshot?
I didn’t think so.
#2 Do you see that star in the night sky? It's actually an alien spacecraft and it follows me wherever I go.
Now, in order for this one to work, you of course need to be outside on a starry night. The expression of disbelief that is going to flit across the face of the person you’re talking to is going to be so precious and one of a kind, you’ll wish you had some videotape. If the person asks you how you know that it’s an alien spacecraft when it actually looks a lot like a star, reply, “It clearly has a domed roof and neon green drop tank.” If the person asks you how you know it’s following you, say “It records my blinks and that's how I know.” Just leave it at that.
#3 I’m allergic to corn.
Honestly, I just love this one. I usually tell it right before someone invites me over for dinner at their house and asks if I have any dietary restrictions. The fun of this one is when you hear that temporary relief creep into their voice, with “Oh, okay, well I’m not serving anything with corn, whew.” Then explain that you’re allergic to corn and all by-products of corn— high fructose corn syrup namely. You will see this person start to mentally ransack their fridge as corn syrup is in everything—from ketchup to salad dressing. So when they say, “Well I guess I’ll make steak and oranges” explain that you can’t eat anything that’s been fed corn, like cows and pigs and that your allergy is so sensitive you can’t eat anything that’s been grown near corn. Let the panic set in long enough for you to enjoy it, and then let loose the “just kidding”–unless of course you want to eat a dinner of dried coconut and plantains.