Five Girls You Don’t Have Time For

Listen, buddy. I don’t care how long it’s been since you got laid. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings


I’m trying to set some standards around here. No matter how many shower-sessions you’ve had all alone, there are several types of women that are so toxic, it would be better if you stuck your member in a beehive.

1. The Hot and Cold Ho.

You know her, boy do you. One minute her hand is riding up your thigh and the next minute she’s blaming you for the fact the restaurant is so crowded. Here’s my attempt to explain this type of lady: they’re nuts. I’ve had women just like these as friends, and honey, being pals with them ain’t easy. They love the café you take them too .They hate the wine the bartender served. It’s watered down. It’s your fault. Any time with a woman like this is just going to leave you either wringing your hands or banging your head against the wall, wondering how someone can be so difficult until you realize that it’s just not worth it. I’m trying to save you that migraine.


2. The Reassurance Addict

This woman is so nice. She’s a sweetheart. She’s usually very pretty. The only problem is that her self-esteem is at negative 16. What does this mean for you? It means she needs compliments and a steady stream of them. In fact, a woman like this would love you if you punched every other sentence with a compliment, such as, “I’m so glad the Steelers won. Wow, that dress is amazing. Do you feel like sharing an appetizer? Your hair looks so fabulous. I hear the fried calamari is very robust. You’re such a talented woman.” And so on and so forth. Do you really feel like being someone’s ra-ra coach for the rest of their life? That’s what I said.

3. The Serial Monogamist

A serial monogamist might seem like a good catch. Heck, she’s normal enough and has made it clear that long lists of guys have deemed her girlfriend material. But honey, you’re going to need to do some detective work for this chick. Women who are serial monogamists live with a quiet terror that they cover up by having a boyfriend. There’s a lot of fear there. The fear of being alone. There’s a fear of making friends, of taking risks and what have you. These girls will make great girlfriends, but most of them will let you steer the plan of the relationship. And you’re always going to wonder what it is that she can’t face, the dark, murky puppet beneath the surface.

4. The Trainwreck

Trainwrecks usually have a hot bod, but the appeal of that is going to wear off unless YOUR self esteem is rock bottom and you simply need to feel needed. Which is b.s. Trainwrecks get DUIs and call you from the police station at 4:30am. They start medication, but the meds freak them out and they scream at you for not putting donuts in the freezer (I know, it’s all nuts). They go off their meds, feel better and take you out to a nice dinner. They leave abruptly in the middle of dinner sobbing, leaving you to pick up the bill. They cry and vomit without warning. They have big plans, but the world is against them. Run.

5. The No-Women- Friends Lady

Okay, most guys with a lump three feet above their butts (a brain!) are already wise to this one, but even so, it’s totally worth stating. Women who don’t have women friends are trouble. I cannot say this enough. Usually the reason they don’t have women friends is because they lack loyalty, a common aspect of female friendships. They are okay with d—cking over other women, because of this strong sense of entitlement. Well maybe you’re thinking, “Oh, as long as they f-over other women and not me, I’m okay with that.” Honey, these women will push you down the garbage chute whenever it suits them. Case in point. I was in a play with a girl I met in college. She didn’t have any female friends, just dudes, and while I knew that was a red flag, I decided that she was really sweet. So I told her about this guy I liked and she then made out with him a few weeks later and then lied to me about it. Do you want to date someone with that lack of character? No!