Part Five: How to Break the Chains of Being a Hipster and Get F-ing Real
These series of articles honestly wouldn’t be worth a good goddamn if I didn’t offer some help for the poor people (ha!) shackled by the chains of their own insecurity which they have allowed to morph in a rampant out of control fashion into nothing short of a monster.
1. Make a pledge to basic hygiene. Start slow, like say, showering every other day and then, once you feel comfortable (and brave), commit to a daily shower. Comb your hair. Your hair doesn’t have to lie flat and neat, but the word “peacock” should not come to people’s minds when they see you. Also, your hair should ideally be clean. No one should look at your hair and think “that dripping oil and grease is so plentiful someone should harness it as a natural resource."
2. Open your closet and look through your clothes. Ideally, you should do this with a non-hipster friend. Hold each article of clothing up in front of your friend and if the words “homeless person” come to your friend’s mind, well, let’s just say that garment goes in the good old donate pile. Throw away any article of clothing that you bought because it “makes a statement.” I’m talking about that orange vinyl belt that you wear with your tattered, blue, flannel shirt. The faux fur cape for special occasions. The “I heart Cinncinatus” t-shirt that no one understands because they're too stupid, right?
3. Ladies. Purchase bras and wear them. Every day. You have no leeway with this. You must obey.
4. Try other varieties of beer other than PBR or start laying brick. My point is, you have no justification to usurp the working man’s beer as some emaciated whiner that hangs around coffee shops. And while I would never say anything to knock PBR, there do exist more fragrant, flavored and nuanced varieties of beer that I have a feeling you’ll enjoy a whole lot more. And let’s get real, you can afford it.
5. Don’t try to “educate” others about the problems of the world. Honestly, hipsters are the worst people to do this. They end up ranting and raving how those cardboard coffee cups sleeves kill baby seals and you, as someone who gets their coffee to go, is a major part of the problem. If you’re truly worried about the baby seals, why don’t you try some real activism to save them? Donate your allowance money to the numerous organizations that seek to protect wildlife. Hipsters are known for their strong, declarative speeches on things from bread to nuanced. Removing these “and that’s the problem with our world” type rants from your speech is a definite good thing.
6. Here’s something crazy: ask other people about themselves. I know, I know, it’s a wild idea, but part of the hipster archetype involves being a self-absorbed twat. Before you go on and on about yourself and your “artistry” (see my final point below) get the basic background facts about the person you’re speaking with. Ask him/her where she/she hails from, their interests and goals. It may be hard at first, but this will help strip you of the binding ties of hipster-dom.
7. Take a long hard look in the mirror. If you’re running around throwing paint on canvases and mixing it with the blood of your period, and calling it "avant-garde art," you need to own up to the fact that while you may admire and appreciate art, you are a near psychotic putz and no artist. The same goes for “spoken word” and performance artists. If the strongest feedback you’ve gotten on your work was that it was “cool, man” or “so deck” (I know, folks, it doesn’t sound like English to me either), you have no talent.
But don’t fear. There’s still room in our world for reformed hipsters.