Reasons to Hate Hipsters, Part Two

For those of you wondering, “What could she possibly write?” after that thorough bashing I gave hipsters yesterday, you’re in for a treat. I’m just getting warmed up. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

1. They appear to scorn beloved elements of pop culture. One of the core beliefs of hipster-dom is that if it’s for the masses, then yikes, it’s in bad taste. This is why you rarely see hipsters at Starbucks (and peeps, I LOVE Starbuck— the choice of sizes, the variety of hot and cold drinks and the little cupcakes just introduced). But this impression is misleading. One of the reasons to hate hipsters is that they dismiss elements that fuse and bond Americans, like malted milkshakes, reruns of Full House and a clearance sale at Macy’s. I say, if they want to be hipsters, they should all move to Canada, because some of the basic tenets of checking off “Hipster” on your dancecard are frankly un-American. AND it gets worse. Because if you examine hipsters closely, they only deny certain aspects of pop-culture, aspects which they take over and claim ownership to, stripping it from the rest of us. How dare they. See the following two points.  

2. They took Converse. I’m talking about one of the most beloved shoe styles and companies of all time. This is a shoe that unites Americans and makes us overlook our gross foreign policy and gives us something to be proud of. Hipsters have made Converse shoes part of their official uniform and that is just grotesque and unjust. It is wrong to take a shoe that once belonged to all of us and make it belong only to a select group of douchebags. And now, whenever I wear my favorite blue Cons and stumble (through no fault of my own) into hipster territory, I get all these looks like, “Look at that f-ing square wearing our shoes. We should write her a ticket.”

3. They took Ray-Ban. Now don’t you think that I’d like to wear a pair of way-farers and enjoy the retro quality it lends to my ensemble? I would indeed, but I can’t because all the dirty hipsters out there have made it theirs. Hipster chicks wear it with tattered lace flea market frocks. Hipster dudes wear it from underneath the hood of their American Apparel hoodies. And this is another article that is supposed to belong to all of us. Ray Ban debuted by making sunglasses for US Air Force fighter pilots. The US Army, people! Their sunglasses have been worn by JFK, Marilyn Monroe, Madonna and those other guys. They are an authentic piece of Americana. But NO. I put on a pair of Ray Bans and people ask me which way the Ironic T-shirt Shop is. Yikes.

4. They took PBR! OUTRAGEOUS! Completely OUTRAGEOUS!!! PBR used to just be a cheap beer you could drink large quantities of, even if you didn’t have much money, and now the hipsters made it their “underdog-dissenter-non-mainstream-protest-beer.” That just makes me so mad.  

Dear PBR, I loved you before it was cool. We all did. I appreciated your modest taste and price. They’ve taken you now and it will be years before they loosen their grip. I’m sorry that’s happened and I wanted to tell you that my feelings haven’t changed for you, even if our time together now is few and far between.