Why YOU Should Buy Duke Nukem Forever

The best reasons to pick up the newest classic.

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

Wow. It’s nearly here. After approximately 247 years spent trapped in developmental limbo, the ‘King’ will reign once again as Duke Nukem Forever drops June 10th internationally/June 14th in the US.

But after soooo many years impatiently awaiting even the slightest titbit of news regarding his whereabouts, why should we still care? Here’s why;


It’s going to be ‘fun’ – remember that?

Tired of shooting your way through an army of identical Russian/German/Iraqi soldiers? Don’t worry; it’s OK to admit it. After hundreds of hours spent shooting the same enemies and watching their blood splatter across the same grey/brown surfaces, you’ve earned the right to feel a little bored. CoD fatigue is very real my friend, but Mr Nukem aims to transport you back to the good ol’ days where video games were, y’know, fun.

“What’s that you say? FUN?! Pah! I spit in the face of your ‘fun’. Now give me back my obligatory snow levels and linear vehicle sections!” Slow down there, sport; I know that we’ve all grown accustomed to the formula of the modern FPS, but can you just sit back for a second and remember how unapologetically awesome games were in the early 90’s? You can’t? Why’s that? Oh, I see. You’re fourteen. My mistake. Here, take back your copy of Black Ops and your headset – now you won’t forget to play unintelligible gangster rap down it while you’re p0wning n00bz, will you? There’s a good boy.


It doesn’t require you to look like an idiot whilst playing it

No matter how many times we try and convince ourselves that casual gamers are tolerable because they’re good for the industry financially and they’re helping developers put money behind actually decent games, it’s too hard to hide the fact that we all secretly resent them for making us contemplate that one day playing a game will require as much exercise as a 15-minute run.

So far, though, all that this motion-sensing has got us to do is stand in front of our televisions incessantly flailing our limbs like a boyband member having a stroke. Honestly, other than laughing at your Gran playing Wii Sports Tennis whilst impersonating a Wacky Wavy Inflatable Arm Tube Man on acid, what merit does it actually have? Motion-controllers are like the iPad; good to show off when people visit, but absolutely useless if you already own a working laptop.

Thankfully, then, Duke is staying old-school. Although I must admit that putting a 20 in a strippers thong would’ve made for the best use of the Kinect yet.


It knows it’s going to piss people off

The enthusiasm with which Duke Nukem Forever’s, ahem, ‘adult’ themes are being promoted means that this is probably going to be a game that kids buy behind their parents backs. As that was pretty much how everyone played the original Duke Nukem’s, it only seems fitting that the same should happen 15 years later. However, a lot has happened since Duke Nukem 3D and its pixelated nipples, meaning that developers Gearbox Software are going to have to up their game if they want to offend as many people as 3D Realms did back in the day.

Fortunately when you have a multiplayer game mode that is an alternate of Capture the Flag, except the Flag is replaced by a woman who you have to slap on the ass if she becomes too hysterical, you’ve pretty much already ensured that people are going to be offended by your game. Throw in some lesbian schoolgirls, fellatio and an alien with three titties and you’ve pretty much got your hands on a bonafide hatemonger.


It restores your faith in humanity

Work sucks. Your boss is a dickhead. You suspect your girlfriend may be leaving you. You suspect she may be leaving you for your dickhead boss. Duke Nukem Forever is never going to be released.

Fortunately you can now scratch off one thing from that long list of thoughts you contemplate whilst staring at the bottle of bleach in your bathroom cupboard, as The King is finally making his return and forcing you to re-evaluate all that which you expected in life.

I ask you, if Gearbox Studios can bring this stagnant franchise to life, then what’s stopping you from quitting your job, punching that dickhead boss in the nose and getting your girl back? WWDND?