Things Women Say About You When You’re Not Around

Dating a new lady? Good Work. However, your new lady has lady-friends and you can bet your butt that she’s giving them the run down on you. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Here are some gems she’s shared with her friends.

1. The cleanliness of your bathroom. Listen, if we stay over, we’re going in there, and we’re going to be paying close attention to what we see. Not only will we never forget what we see, but we’ll share the intelligence with our friends. For example, I once went out with a guy who’s bathroom was eerily clean. I reported back to my friends, “His bathroom is so immaculate, it’s like being in a hotel. I don’t know how I feel about that”. Him and I didn’t last. Another time I was in a dude’s bathroom and his bathmat was so foul, I told my friends, “His bathmat is so nasty, it looks like dead salmon skins, stitched together”. Again,  that guy and I didn’t last. Is there a pattern? I don’t know. Does it matter? You decide.

2. Boxers or briefs. Okay, you knew that. But for those of you who weren’t sure, women always tell their friends what you wear and how you look in it, if not in so many words. For example, some of their friends might just come out and ask, and other women will just volunteer the info. Like, “he’s got this great pair of boxers with cups of coffee on them; they're so neat, I'd wear them”. Or “he wears boxer briefs, alas… they shrink in the wash and he looks like a fifth grader”. Since so many people you've never met are going to be hearing about your drawers, doesn't it make sense to have nice ones? Right.

3. Your performance. Now, I’m not saying that your lady acts like she’s with a bunch of wild jackals when she’s with her friends, but I guarantee ONE of them has asked her “How was it?” or perhaps more pointedly “How was he?” And an answer has been given. If she likes you and doesn’t want to give too many details, she might just say something like “good”. If she doesn’t like you and you act like a blind muskrat in the sack, she’ll say it was “fine”.  If something bizarre happened, like, say you were drunk and on speed, she might say something to the effect of “Wow, I’ve never had sex before with someone who was drunk and on speed. That was crazy. In a bad way. This image of his dilated pupils is seared into my memory”.

4. Your size. Listen, ladies are ladies. At the same time, get a bunch of ladies drunk and discussions become heated, like a bunch of raccoons scurrying wildly around a cluster of open garbage cans. Or whatever that analogy was supposed to be. It comes up. For example, if a woman’s dating a short guy, her friends might ask simply “Is he….?” (i.e. hung like second grader) and the said woman will reply “yes” and the conversation will be over. At the same time, if said woman is dating a tall guy, that same question will be asked, with the exact same answer, except the implication has changed. Ho hum. If you know your lady has a wild, drunken raucous side to her, well you can bet your bottom dollar that she has pointed out pickles or hot dogs that most accurately represent the side and girth (ha ha!) of your finest member. 

5. The contents of your fridge. Most women are either on a diet, just broke up with a diet or are considering a new diet. So what’s inside of your fridge is a source of curiosity to us. Do you eat healthy? Have a fridge full of temptation? Like the same foods as we do? Have something for me to snack on? Have nothing at all? (which speaks badly of you– it indicates that you can't commit to a weekly grocery trip). I remember I dated a guy and he had a fridge full of food AND diet sodas. And not just diet Cokes but sweet and refreshing beverages like Fresca and diet pink lemonades and other delights. I was very pleased. He was also hung like a second grader (I’m not kidding, folks, a real second grader). But I enjoyed it thoroughly (during the five months we lasted) and told all my friends who enthusiastically gave this guys serious points. Likewise, the guy with the salmon skin bathmat had an empty fridge and we lasted two weeks. Mmm-hmm. Does it matter? Well guys, it's your call.