Top 5 Ways to Use Twitter – NOT

Everyday it seems like some new celebrity has popped out of nowhere, just because they are ‘master tweeters’ well here’s how you can join their ranks!

Sam Proofby Sam Proof

Twitter is hard, social networking is hard, becoming eFamous is everything. So let’s get started, cause it’s time you became the next Shane Dawson, Justin Bieber or what was the name of that girl that got famous for having no talent and showing her her “Twa-lent” online?

Anyway, I digress, let’s get to learning!

First off let’s get this straight, this is YOUR twitter, it’s about YOU, not whatever poor shmuck is reading it. They’re a captive audience and came to read you.


1) Links Ahoy!

Here’s a great opportunity to promote whatever new project you’re working on. And Twitter has somewhere in the billions of followers now.

Learn how to use the @ symbol to send everyone of them a link to your newest video, website, photograph or clever status update on facebook!

Here’s an example.


Which is great cause most people will simply click whatever link you tell them too, and not click your profile instead. But for those who do, they’ll see an awesome list of links that shows them Rule number 2!


2) DO NOT Converse

This isn’t email, this is the water cooler at work, this is the Turkish bath house down the block where you can get a 2 dollar cappuccino and winky wank with the pals.

This is twitter and they don’t have time to talk to people, learn who you are, what makes you tick and why you’re interesting. They just want to get down to the business of leaving twitter to check out other website.


3) Be Emo!

This may seem contrary, to the previous rule (in part), but go on, vent, rant, rage, cry, get all that emotional stuff out there in the open. It’ll make people think you’ve got the confidence to put your weird life choices out in the open, then hell yea you must be the next web god in waiting!


4) Put all your eggs in one twitter basket

You’ve actually probably got more then one thing going for you. You’re funny, poetic, have poignant political thoughts,  love collecting miniature trains, create ukulele tablature, have an endless supply of jokes about blondes and democrats and and obscure knowledge of Amelia Earhart.

So why bother breaking it up in to separate accounts, who needs that much work. People are going to love everything you have to tell them because You,  are the one telling them! Get it all out there, audiences are just as varied as you and people love to welcome on new ideals and opinions that challenge their comfort levels! 😀


5) RT anything with your name in it!

People love you, and other people need to now it, everyday you’re probably getting ten or more tweets coming at you with your @name in them. Why not let the rest of your fanbase know about it, by simply Retweeting it?

I mean why else would that function even exist!?

SideNote : This is sarcasm. If you can’t recognize sarcasm, please consult a physician. I’m also dyslexic so this is the opposite on all side, but not like a double negative, more like a double boomerang. Which is basically like a wood Frisbee you’d use to throw at someone, like a person who thought any of these ideas discussed above were a good idea.


Honestly if you thought these ideas where good perhaps you should have someone do these things for you, so you don’t hurt yourself. Feel free to follow me on twitter at @samproof for some honest advice.

(twitter girl)