Cellphones Cause Cancer. Who CARES?

Well life causes cancer. I want text messaging.

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

Welcome to “Who Cares!”, a series of articles here on CraveOnline that attempts to nip in the bud the panic caused by emerging stories that are decidedly NOT news, and will NOT be an issue because its NOT a thing. In this case its the recent reports that cell phones might be carcinogenic. Here’s a thankfully noninflammatory article from the LA Times: LA TIMES LINK GO!  So before everyone gets all up in arms, and sales of blue-tooth headsets skyrocket (which we'll find out in two years transmits AIDS), let's take a second here and remember that this is neither a surprise nor a legitimate threat. 

If you are surprised that holding an electronic device to your head for extended periods of time MIGHT cause some sort of negative effect, you have a lot of hard lessons coming down the line. For example, you can drown in swimming pools. Did you know that? They should do a story about that. Clearly a device that is beaming information to and from space, and that beam travels THROUGH my head, is going to have some sort of effect. I just like to think the space rays are going to make me smarter… but the idea that it might not be that way is not causing me to wrap my cell phone in tinfoil or anything. I would wrap my cell phone in tinfoil if it gave it a cell signal in all the rooms of my house… but that's not the point. Of course any electronic device is going to create some sort of energy field. So to does your television, and your laptop (both of which I’ve put my head up against before… for various reasons (porn). So shut your yapping and viva la cell phone!  This is not news.

BUT what if it was news? What if you were one of the few people who never stopped to consider that if your cell phone can reach your GPS that means the signal coming out of that… well its pretty strong.. and you are suddenly forced to deal with the hard fact that cell phone use is one step away from firing a microwave laser through your skull to listen to voicemail messages from your mother. Ok. So are you going to stop using your cell phone? Are people in restaurants going to come up to you and ask you to put your cell away so they are not irradiated as they eat? When you take your cell phone out are people going to grab their kids and run inside like you just announced your place on the national sex offender registry? Maybe. But then again remember that you are already surrounded by things that are carcinogenic. For example Cars and Coffee. I’ll defend at gunpoint my right to drink coffee and drive to work… don’t think I won’t make the old “cold, dead, hand” argument about my cell phone too. I don’t care if I have a tumor in my head large enough to rest my phone on… I’m enjoying the convenience of my cell phone until I die the cancerous death it may, or may NOT, have caused me.

Because that’s the rub of it all. Even if everyone who uses a cell phone got cancer, it wouldn’t all be from a cell phone. It’d be from smoking, and car exhaust, and coffee, and microwave broadcast towers, and cosmic rays, and ozone depletion, and genetically altered food, and poorly shielded x-ray machines, and stress, and toast, and EVERYTHING ELSE! If you want to be cancer safe you’d have to move into the wilderness, and that’s where you need a cell phone MOST. I mean, you gotta keep in touch, right?

So in a world of natural disasters, terrorists, and a generally declining economy this cell phone thing seems like a non-issue. Hell, the number one show on TV is American Idol so we’re pretty much in a cultural toilet as is. So again… cell phones might be carcinogenic but WHO CARES!


I'm gonna go play Angry Birds… Angry Cancerous Birds…