Dare to be an A-hole

Usually, I’m begging, cajoling and shaming our male readers away from what I consider bad or moronic behavior...

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

But in all honesty, there are times you can engage in a-hole-ish behavior to:

a. Take back your balls.

b. Teach her a lesson.

c. For sh*ts and giggles.                                                                                                           

Let’s have a look at some of those moments.


1. Break up with her in EXTREME PUBLIC.

Say the woman you’re dating is having some unbridled, hysterical b*tch-fest, or she’s unfairly blaming you for something, or disrespecting your friends or family, or shagging your best friend or brother or something else you consider equally inexcusable and you’re having one of those rare moments in life of utter clarity and all you can think is: I want out.

Do it right then and there. Even if you’re on a quiet airplane with some stranger on your left at the window seat, or at a her sister’s wedding reception, or at a superbowl party at your best friend’s house where she doesn’t know anyone. Let loose a loud, “You’re great, but this isn’t working for me and I’d like to terminate the relationship. ” Ha ha! Okay, granted this is move is only reserved for extreme situations: when you’re someone who seemed hot and mysterious, but turned out to be Cruella de Vil or some sweet girl who just hooked up with one of your friends because she “…didn’t know what happened. ” Shunning the imposition of “decorum” or “discretion” can make you feel the James Bond of human interactions. Why extend the proper etiquette of breaking up to someone who can’t treat you with a shred of decency? And this way, you’ll have a story for all time. Sure, you might scar her for life, but someday, in the cold gray light of her forties, she’ll thank you for letting her grow so much, even if it meant she never had kids.

2. Make her pay.

Look, this tactic merely embraces the fact that we’re not in the 1950’s anymore and forces whatever lady is on your arm to realize it too. And it helps some girl stop thinking that you're her good time sugar daddy. The next time you and her sit down to dinner or drinks, tell the server, “My lady here is taking me out.” There! You’ve said it out loud, you’ve put her on the spot and most women will just smile and agree, for fear of having a confrontation in front of a stranger. In fact, some women, (particularly the ones prone to guilt, such as the frequent dieters) will feel bad for not having offered up front and will most likely take care of the bill the next two times you go out. If you don’t believe me, try it, son.

3. Throw it back in her face, even if it means lying.

HA ha! And this is the one I really want you to have fun with, men. Some women, particularly insecure ones, will either: mention their ex-boyfriends from time to time, ( just to remind you that your member is not the first to have gained entry, I guess) OR they will talk about how some rand-o guy hit on them earlier that day/minute.

Your key to dealing with this situation is to toss it right back at her to show her that this stuff not only doesn’t rattle you, but that you own the upper hand. Let’s take the first case, say your lady says:

a. My ex-boyfriend loved that (really expensive and exclusive) restaurant. We used to go there a lot.

Your response: Yeah, I used to take my ex-girlfriends to places like that. She was really special.

See? Subtle. But still–you’re twisting the old knife. Let’s try another.

b. Before you got here, that guy wouldn’t stop hitting on me.

Your response: Oh really? Hmm. I know that guy, he used to date a former female prisoner. She did time for assaulting a police officer. Weird. I don’t see how you could possibly remind him of her.

Tra la! And the key is to say this all very nonchalant, because face it men, some of the women out in the jungle of the dating pool need you to put them back in their places. And you might as well have fun when you do it. Ha cha!!