PSN Back Online: How To Celebrate

We have been given proof that we can't live without technology.  And we're cool with that.

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

After 150 years of no PSN (internet years are similar to dog years, only longer and punctuated more frequently by nerdrage), Sony yesterday began to restore online functionality to the PlayStation 3 to the relieved jubilation of millions. So how should you celebrate? I’ve got a few ideas to get you back into the swing of things;

Buy a microphone, hurl abuse

As Sony doesn’t include a microphone with its console, a lot of PS3 players are still yet to experience the thrill of being taunted by homophobic pre-pubescent 11 year-olds. Now that you’ve experienced such a strong feeling of loss at the hands of the infamous hackers, you’ve probably got a lot of pent up frustration that you need to get off of your chest. My advice would be to go on eBay, treat yourself to a wireless headset and spend the rest of the week shouting profanities down the mic whilst playing LittleBigPlanet 2. It has the highest ratio of female gamers so your vulgarity is unlikely to receive a response, yet it’s still deemed more socially acceptable than standing in the centre of your room and shouting aimlessly at the walls, which is what you may or may not have been doing to entertain yourself these past 4 weeks.

Hack Xbox Live

It’s difficult being a PS3 fanboy; while your console is technically the best of the three, it always seems to be playing catch-up to its peers. Many a PlayStation owner rejoiced come E3 2010 when Sony announced a cavalcade of great exclusive titles, and for the first time since the beginning of this era’s ‘console wars’, it made both the Wii and Xbox 360 seem completely inferior by comparison. Infuriatingly the PSN had to go and get itself infiltrated right around the time of two of the biggest game launches of the year, with Portal 2 and Mortal Kombat both suffering at the hands of unfortunate timing.

Such a bad series of events has led 360 gamers to once again placing themselves in the driving seat, and your taunting of the Kinect is now sure to fall on deaf ears. So what do you do now? Well there’s only one thing to do, my friend. Enlist the help of anon and plunder Microsoft’s databases like a bitter and insecure pirate. Sail through the uninhabited waters of Xbox Live and give them a taste of their own medicine; shut down online gameplay, cut them off from their recently downloaded Black Ops map packs and give all of their avatars silly and needlessly expensive hats if need be. Honestly, it’s the only logical course of action.

Play Video Games


Never Go Outside Ever Again.

These past 4 weeks have been torturous. Not only have you been unable to take on GLaDOS with your buddies and take on Scorpion with your Kratos, you’ve also found yourself forced to venture outside. Now, I don’t know whether or not any of you Xbox gamers who are reading this have ever been outside before, but let me tell you, it’s a nightmare. Sometimes it’s hot, sometimes it’s cold, sometimes it’s rainy; it’s all over the place. And don’t even get me started on the people. When they’re not walking in and out of coffee shops they’re waiting in some form of queue. I’m not even sure they know what they’re queuing up for most of the time.

Who would ever knowingly go outside? The people that do must have no knowledge of the internet, or at the very least they are closet sadists who find sexual excitement in the torture of small talk. So my suggestion to you, then, is now that PSN is back online you simply never venture outdoors ever again. I know what you’re going to say; “but Paul, how am I supposed to acquire the social skills that will help me in later life to secure the job/wife of my dreams?” And my answer to you is; “stop watching aspirational reality television and be happy with your 9-5 dead-end job and lonely existence”. Honestly, you’re never satisfied, are you?