You’re NOT helping! (airplane edition)

The world is hard, these people make it worse, and do so on a plane!

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

You're NOT helping! (airplane edition)

You’re not helping! – Airplane edition.

I can’t think of anything I look on with more dread than commercial air-travel. With the crappy air quality, screaming babies, and leg-less legroom, I fear the only way they could make it worse would be to include a colonoscopy on each flight. My understanding is the TSA is trying to work something out. Still it doesn’t have to be all bad, and even if your average two hour flight often ends with you praying for a bird strike; we can all get through it. If… that is… it wasn’t for some people.

TSA Argument Lady:

It always seems to happen. I’m right in the middle of getting that pat-down from the guy who apparently plays a game with himself where he tries to see how far into my scrotum he can place his fingers before I give him a dirty look; that’s when I see her out of the corner of my eye. It’s a short haired lady wearing a sweater I personally felt was relegated just for Christmas, and she’s about to have a fit. What do these people think? That after the congressional debates and media circuses it’s going to be their shrill assertion that “This is crazy!” That will make the TSA change well vetted policies? Apparently nobody noticed the process is a little stygian… until you lady! Thank you for being the only self aware person who doesn’t like taking off their shoes! Oh and thank you for voicing these opinions passive-aggressively and loudly.

And now the inevitable conclusion: some sassy TSA agent who’s tired of people looking at her with a face that would more commonly be smelling a fart, has the gall to disagree with this Lady-Samaritan.  Now it’s an argument! Now every TSA staffer has put their work on hold because this suburban housewife, with too much to prove, is going all “Falling Down” on a bunch of people who just want to do their job. This, of course, leaves me trapped. I’m not allowed to take my belt and shoes off the conveyer belt without being told too, and even if the agents aren’t paying any attention they’ll be happy to taze me for disobeying. So I, and every other person who just wants to make it to Walla Walla Washington in one piece, have to wait while this lady reminds us what we already know. The process is rife with indignity, invasion, and insult. But guess what lady!?! You’re Not HELPING!

Airplane food or lack thereof:

Fifteen years ago every comedian had an airplane food joke. Some of them were pretty good, but quickly the staggering glut of these jokes created the first “overdone” joke in history. Now anything which comedians latch onto in record number and jest to death is so very “Airplane food”. Now it seems these comedians haven’t just killed that joke, but also food (or at least cheap food) on planes. Now even on flights across the country you have to shell out extra money for chow, and that’s after the flight cost you about a weeks pay. It really all hits home when they give you the half-a-glass of soda and act like they are doing you a favor. It reeks of cutting corners, and the last thing I need to fear when it comes to AIR TRAVEL! Still and I know this is petty, but the thing that gets me is that not only do I have to pay for my meal, but I can’t use cash. I have no idea why you can’t use cash…but I assume it has something to do with avoiding dashing blimp based air pirates. Actually it’s all about efficiency, and making sure that the people behind you get served while you and the stewardess are counting change. I completely understand that; but why is this the only place in which airlines care about efficiency? They never seem to care when they set us up to enter the plane in an orderly line, one at a time, and by seat group, and then when we get on the jet-way it just degenerates into chaos. I mean hell. Here is my point. I know its not very time conscious, but if I have only cash on me while on the plane traveling from the west coast to the east coast; it means I have to go hungry. This is (its) NOT Helping!

Turn off your CELLPHONES:

I’m just going to come out and admit this. I fell asleep a few times and forgot to turn off my cellphone. You might have guessed that I lived to tell about it. Clearly the idea of an active cellphone sending the plane into the Sierras is not all its cracked up to be. Or is it? What I’m trying to say is…WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? I think we are all adult enough to know what having my IPod on does to the flight, and why it apparently only does it when you are taking off and landing. If turning off “portable electronic devices” is so much of an issue, then why? What’s going to happen?

I mean they explain how the seatbelts work and that’s something your average kindergartner can figure out, so why not this? I worry that whatever problem was caused by keeping your Gameboy on has been cleared up and they just keep the policy because they want us to feel safe, and like they are doing something. Well placating me doesn’t make air travel any safer. Hell a bird could get sucked up by one of the engines endangering our safety far more than somebody using their Walkman. So let’s leave these little pleasantries aside and just let me listen to my MP3 player throughout the flight! Still I could be wrong. But the issue here is not with the policy, but the lack of time spent explaining it. Not giving me all the information Ms. Stewardess or Mr. Steward? You’re not helping!

No Smoking:

This is a quick one. Why is there still a no-smoking light on planes? We all KNOW you can’t smoke on planes. Why then does there need to be a light still that reminds people? Isn’t that a twist of the knife in the chests of the poor traveling smokers? Why not create a light for everything we can’t do while we’re at it. We aren’t supposed to hit each other with a hammer at 40,000 feet; let’s make a light for that! Then there’s the speech from the flight attendant stating, “Tampering with smoke detectors in the lavatories is illegal”. WELL DUH! As opposed to other things on the plane that are legal to tamper with, like landing gear and shipboard ovens. Or perhaps its legal to tamper with smoke detectors on the ground, like in restaurants. NO! We might as well smoke on the plane; the air in there sucks anyway. Still, the overabundance of lights, message repetition, and derogatory statements… NOT HELPING!

Well that’s it. My rant at air traffic. Stuff I missed? Tweet me at @SaxCarr or @Craveonline. I’d love to hear what you hate about flying. Or even what you like about flying! Plus if anyone knows what having my iPhone on in flight does, I’d like to hear that too!