Why I haven’t Seen The Social Network

Okay, not really.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Why I haven't Seen The Social Network

When The Social Network first debuted, I launched a full boycott of it. When I say full boycott, what I mean is that if the film was ever mentioned in my presence, I said something bitchy about how I wasn’t going to see it.
Allow me to explain. I am a real, true misanthrope. For fun, I talk to my dog and simply lay. On the floor. Facebook makes me feel abnormal. The sense of contempt that I have for my newsfeed makes me feel like a young member of the Donner Party and if there were no Facebook, I would not have to experience this somewhat alarming sensation. Facebook makes me feel like a hypocrite, untrue to my inner misanthrope, for simply having a profile.

Here’s a clip from my insipid newsfeed:

Moronic friend I had cupcakes with once just watched the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and is creeped out.

What a unique reaction.

Aaron F. is in Hong Kong and drinking iced milk tea. It’s the best drink ever.

Stab me to death.

Nickie Dee likes Kailie Cee’s new wedding photo.


The phenomenon of people constantly posting pix on FB to bask in the glow and attention of their friends comments is so obnoxious I could fall down. Living in LA makes it particularly rank. Essentially all my friends are struggling. However, nearly all of them like to look as though they’re partying with the upper tier of goldfish at elite your-name-has-got-to-be-on-the-list type clam-bakes. The mobile uploads I get on my newsfeed of my “friends” posing like doped up mannequins at pseudo-retro-shiny-modern bars with $16 martini drinks are so desiccating I feel compelled to reduce my number on friends (currently 481) to the real number of friends I actually have in my life (30-ish, if we’re going to be brutally honest and include summer camp 17 years ago).

That’s why I refused to see The Social Network. People urged me to go see it, explaining that it wasn’t a glorification of Facebook, but a ballad about a misunderstood young man, or something to that effect. Great script, great performances. But I couldn’t pay for a ticket to a movie that told the story of the computer programs that lets me know about how Ryan S. just ate half a tuna sandwich.

 But then I reconsidered. Facebook does have some redeeming qualities. Like hiding people from your newsfeed who post way, way, way, too much. I have an actress friend who posts five times a day to her news feed complete with pictures. One of the pictures I hated the most said something to the effect of “Just another Monday” with a shot of her sitting in her car with sunglasses and blonde locks blowing in the wind a la Lauren Conrad. Actually, the post that made me block her was when she wrote about going to three red carpet events over the weekend. That’s when I decided to hide her. And I never looked back.

I also defriended and blocked a young man who told my significant other to dump me. I was going to post on his wall, “Hey did you get that lazy eye fixed yet?” But I have self restraint. Defriending and blocking people is the clearest way to say F-you in cyberspace and baby, I’m all over it.

So I came around. I watched The Social Network. Heck, at that point, I was curious. And honestly, I really enjoyed it. Really. Just like all my Facebook friends said I would.