Massage Parlors: An Investigative Report

What's a guy have to do to get a hand job in Koreatown? NATHAN JORDAN INVESTIGATES

Nathan Jordanby Nathan Jordan

Massage Parlors: An Investigative Report

By Nathan Jordan
In cities across America, massage parlors are often well-known fronts for major prostitution operations. Much like the recent epidemic of illegal sexual activities solicited through Craigslist, it seems that police and city authorities have turned a blind eye to the activities in these sleazy establishments.


As Chief Moral Correspondent at CraveOnline, I have decided to use my own money and resources to investigate this disgusting practice. Today I’m going deep-cover, posing as a “tourist” to expose this heinous, illegal underground institution. What follows is a blow-by-blow account surreptitiously posted live online throughout my investigation. My findings are quite shocking.


In disguise as a "tourist."


December 16th. 9:00 AM. Susie’s Massage – Downtown Los Angeles


I’m in full disguise as a tourist as I visit Susie’s Massage, a store-front establishment in downtown Los Angeles. I’m appalled that such sordid activities can take place in the middle of a major financial district. I ask the receptionist for the “daily special,” and I’m taken to a small room with burning candles where I am told to take off my clothes. I’m pretty sure I’ve struck pay-dirt right away. Susie, if that’s her real name, comes in and performs something called a “deep tissue massage.” It certainly crosses my personal boundaries with all of the touching, but there’s no inappropriate sexual contact. The massage costs me $100, which should be a crime in itself.


10:30 AM. Magic Hand Massage Clinic- Los Feliz


On to the next massage parlor. The set up is very similar to Susie’s Massage. I’m once again asked to get naked, but they send me “Larry,” if that’s his real name. I’m ready to get out of there right away, but don’t want to blow my cover. I’m sure these massage parlors have some sort of underground communication system that alerts everyone when they’ve been infiltrated. Fortunately, Larry makes no attempt to relive me. This costs me another $125.


These perverts wait for a reach around.


12 PM. Lucy Lee Massage Parlor- Korea Town


I’m willing to do this all day if I have to, just to expose the shocking, disgusting practices that take place in these houses of ill repute. In Korea Town I’m told that the code word for prostitution is “happy ending.” Once again, I’m told to get naked. Mika, my masseuse, gives me a full body massage. An ejaculation does takes place, but unfortunately not as the result of any sort of illegal touching. I’m asked to leave immediately, but luckily escape paying any sort of bill.


1:35 PM. Volga’s Massage Palace- Near the Airport


This place reeks of sleaze. The room is painted pink with red satin curtains. Volga turns out to be a rather large, unattractive Russian lady. My muscles are now aching from too many massages. No hand job. Down another $100. Plus I think I’ve contracted some sort of strange rash from her massage table.


Volga, masseuse or prostitute?


3:00 PM. Private Residence- North Hollywood


My Craigslist lead happens to be some lady who runs an operation out of her house (which is also a daycare). Not only is there no illegal sexual activity that takes place, but the massage isn’t very good either. To top it all off, one of the kids spit in my face. I’m really at my wits end and losing hope that I’ll be able to expose this disgusting, morally corrupt industry before I run out of all of me and my wife’s wedding money.


4:50 PM. Sunset Spa- Hollywood

Seriously, what does a guy have to do to get a hand job around here? I get kicked out of this place just for suggesting a happy ending. Uggghh.


4:15 PM. Sheriff’s Station- West Hollywood


Apparently just coming out and asking a random lady on the sidewalk for a hand job is illegal, and I’ve been arrested for soliciting. I’m sure that once I explain that I’m  the Chief Moral Correspondent performing an investigative report for CraveOnline everything will be cleared up. Coming up next week, I’ll be going undercover at some area strip clubs to hopefully expose even more illegal prostitution. 


Nathan Jordan is