You’re Not Helping 2.0
Life is a many splendored thing… or is that love? The point is this: life is supposed to be an amazing journey, but in these modern times, it’s mostly just keeping your butt out of trouble until you get a chance to sleep… or eat cake… or some other minor reward. We swim in a sea of sharks where sharks are co-workers, lovers, ex-lovers, lawyers and people we bump into on the street (and depending on where you live, real sharks). So as much as life may have started as a many splendored thing, it’s only getting worse. Complicating matters is that there are lots of folks out there who are just not helping. Here’s a few of the people who are NOT helping!:
#1: People who leave passive aggressive messages on social networking…
I wonder if anyone predicted when the first social networking sites came on the market that its real effect would be to extend the power of petty cattiness. The “gift” of Myspace and Facebook are not too different from receiving a gift of a free ring from kindly old Sauron. Thanks to these technological gifts, the speed at which people can slip in a rude comment is increasing by the day. How can you not feel a little better about life when one of your friends posts, “I had a great time on my birthday yesterday, those of you that remembered.” Now everyones day is better right? WRONG. It gets even worse when your ex is online. Wake up to your ex-girlfriend posting "Who knew I loved to do THAT?! Thanks, Mister Big One!"
#2: People with clipboards in public…
I am certain that nobody has ever walked up to you with a clipboard and not completely wasted your time. If those Greenpeace-ers and “Free Movie Ticket” folks really want us not to flee from their clipboard-carrying canvassers, they should pay people to walk around with a clipboard and just give away money. Who doesn’t love free money, right?
Once in a while, I would just like to go to the movies without being accosted about the dangerous of cattle farming in South America. Guess what? I just finished watching "Country Strong" and I couldn’t care less about what McDonald’s is doing to the rain forest. Honestly, is this the only way to get donations? You need to ambush people and put them on the spot? If your entire funding base is predicated on people being too embarrassed to say no, you might want to hang up the clipboard and change jobs. Everybody has issues and causes close to their hearts, even me, and they seek out places to donate time and money to those organizations that support them, even me. Very few people are closet greenpeace supporters just waiting for that well timed clipboard holding hero to come ask them for pocket change. The money will come– I don’t need to be bothered on my way out of the Multi-Plex. It’s so much worse when you are on a date: now you are trapped in a Catch-22: You don’t want to look un-charitable, but you also don’t want to look like a pushover. THANK YOU CLIPBOARD GUY! Now nobody is getting laid, not just YOU…asshole. I hope the dolphin or whatever you are alleviating your white guilt with was worth it. You’re not helping… well… except the dolphins. And they think you’re a jerk, too.
#3 Whatever music they are playing in this Coffee Shop…
Is there some kind of secret deal amongst coffee shops, and stores in general that the music they play over the house speakers in national chain coffee shops (who are very rich and powerful and have lots of lawyers–unlike me) has to suck? I’d love to get a latte without the depressing track from Five For Fighting causing me to contemplate suicide. Just because Seattle is suicide capitol of America, you dont have to bring THAT to the rest of the country like you brought five dollar coffee.
Has anyone else noticed that Five for Fighting only writes songs to cut yourself by?
Anyway… Every time you settle in to enjoy a coffee and read the paper, or write an article for a wonderful online magazines like CraveOnline.com, or have a chat with a friend, the background music is SO bad you slowly lose any faith that the day can be salvaged. It must have something to do with licensing fees which demands that every establishment only plays the songs you remember failed when they first came out. I’ll give you one example; this coffee shop just played a song from LEM… LEM! Not REM, LEM! I think that band was shot into space for the good of humanity. Nobody’s heard from them in the past 10 years, have they? It could be worse, however: In hell every store has the same soundtrack as Abercrombie and Fitch. How much ecstasy do you have to take to survive being in that store? I went into an A&F once to buy a friend a shirt and got cornered by two shirtless men who asked me questions about how clothing made me feel. I don’t even think they worked there, I think the music did this to them. My irritation can only be summarized by the fact that my arson trial is pending in California state court.
SPECIAL BONUS PERSON NOT HELPING:
4. The people behind the Oprah Network
Great. Oprah has her own 24-hour cable channel. Also, its called OWN! Just rub it in Oprah, you OWN the media. Sheesh. You know what I call it, "The Old Argument Starter." Oprah, you’re not helping.
Who else isn’t helping? Tweet me your thoughts care of @saxcarr and tell me who YOU think isn’t helping. I’ll share the ones that really aren’t helping. And by sending in your suggestions, you ARE helping.
Sax Carr is a writer/producer/podcaster for various web outlet including Geekscape.net and Podpocalypse.com. Born in Maine and escaping to LA at the young age of 28, Sax is also a comedian, comic book historian, and cat fancier. Each article comes with the Sax Carr Promise that he won’t hold back his opinions even after American declares him a loose cannon and forces him into whatever hole they have prepared for Perez Hilton.