By Jeremy Azevedo
|Diamond albums are records that are certified b the RIAA to have sold upwards of ten million copies in their lifetime. Some people are misinformed into thinking that this is an honor held by only the most successful and deserving of artists. Sadly, this is not always the case. To illustrate this fact, we have complied a short list of the ten worst albums to ever go Diamond…|
|Matchbox 20 |
Yourself or Someone Like You
You have these assholes to thank for much of the bad, pussy emo lite-rock shit that’s raping the ear-holes of America to this day. And you have singer Rob Thomas to thank for even managing to make Carlos Santana annoying.
|Ace of Base |
Hey the Ace of Base, remember them? They were sort of like ABBA, because, um, they were Swedih right? And sort of, like, poppy? And their names started with the letter “A”? Don’t stress yourself out trying to recall, it isn’t worth the effort. Let’s just try and forget that there was ever this desperate of a need for Swedish euro-pop and try and move on with our lives.
|Bon Jovi |
Slippery When Wet
I hate this album for making karaoke horrible in all but the most clandestine of environments. Not once in my life have I been in a popular karaoke bar in which one out of every three songs was not a Bon Jovi song. Bon Jovi songs aren’t even good to begin with, and the karaoke equivalents are not much better. If you are one of the many legions of mongoloids that think it’s funny to sing “Living on a Prayer” at the top of your lungs with a large throng of your mouth-breathing friends (in public, no less), you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s obnoxious. So stop.
Ever sinceAH Creed came out, douchebagsAH have been singingAH in this unbearable styleAH. I hopeAH all the peopleAH that bought this albumAH get an infectionAH in their peeholeAH.
|MC Hammer |
Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em
This album symbolizes the exact moment that rap became safe for suburban, Midwestern white people. No longer forced to enjoy NWA and Gang Starr in secret shame, John Q. Public was now free to embrace hip-hop music, and all the action figures, comic books, Saturday morning cartoons and funny clothes that came along with it! Did all this rampant advertising dilute the message? I don’t know, it doesn’t seem to bother Nelly, 50 Cent and Kanye, the MC Hammers of today one bit!
|Linkin Park: |
This is the most annoying, uneccesary and over-played album that ever existed. Linkin Park adds nothing to the musical landscape and may just be the second dumbest band after The Insane Clown Posse. There is no excuse for being a Linkin Park fan over the age of 16. If you or anyone you know enjoys listening to Linkin Park, you should make a doctor’s appointment right away and make sure that you don’t have advanced obsessive compulsive order. Because that’s the only way you could possibly tolerate hearing the same f**king songs on radio stations nationwide, several times a day, for going on eight years now.
|Kenny G |
Come on, people. Seriously?
|Hootie & The Blowfish |
Possibly a candidate for most soulless album ever. Hootie somehow manages to make every song sound like a commercial for oatmeal or some such boring-ass shit, but that didn’t stop sixteen million (!) morons from taking the bait. Why? If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t waste my time bitching about it to you cretins, now would I?
Kid Rock: Devil Without a Cause – 11 million
|Kid Rock |
Devil Without a Cause
Bawitaba anyone? I didn’t think so. Even nu-metal dorks thought this album was lame. I wasn’t aware that there were enough strippers in the world to make this album go diamond. But how else were hard-up city girls going to do a dance dressed like Daisy Dukes from “The Dukes of Hazard” without first procuring a copy of “Cowboy” by Kid Rock? It’s not like you can pole dance to country music. Line dance, maybe. But not pole dance.
|James Horner |
Titanic (Music From The Motion Picture)
This one isn’t even a real album. It’s just one of those crappy soundtracks made up of generic orchestral music only fit to play in the background of some overwrought film production with it’s sights set on buying up some Oscar gold. Despite this fact, the “Titanic” soundtrack sold a bajillion albums on the strength of the one Celine Dion song included therein. Not only that, but the Celine Dion album with the same song on it sold about the same number of albums. That means that over twenty million women and gay men bought a Celine Dion album the year that “My Heart Will Go On” warbled it’s way to the top of the charts, thus proving that straight men are either the most resilient against traditional marketing practices or that they have the least amount of disposable income. Or that women and gay dudes have the worst taste in music imaginable. Or all three.
You’ll notice that most of these truly awful albums came out in the 1990s. Coincidence, or proof that the 90s were the worst time ever in musical history? You decide.