Header Photo: Leon Neal (Getty) / @dave_cactus (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 2-9-18
Saw a girl in a Ramones shirt & asked her to name her five favorite songs & she just looked at me & said nothing. Then her mom was like, “She’s 11 months old.”
— Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) February 8, 2018
Me when I say I’m five minutes away pic.twitter.com/IcL42swdf1
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 7, 2018
When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.
— “Ian” Abramson (@ianabramson) February 1, 2018
Has science gone too far? pic.twitter.com/mjul6Tp0l0
— The Stranger Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) February 7, 2018
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) January 27, 2018
IT IS FEBRUARY. THE NONSENSE MONTH. IS IT WINTER. NO. IS IT SPRING. NO. WHY IS IT COLD. MY SOCKS ARE WET. I CAN’T AFFORD ANYTHING. FEBRUARY.
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) February 1, 2018
i had to pic.twitter.com/BwAhp6PEpC
— sarah benebig (@SBenebig) October 12, 2017
Did you know you can just start screaming, basically anywhere. It’s not illegal or anything
— surf ghost (@moutheaters) January 17, 2018
Good morning from the Federal City, where somebody thought this was good copy pic.twitter.com/eT9rk7kizJ
— Bullneck (@Bullneck) February 6, 2018
Her: “This is a little sensitive. But is there a history of cancer in your family?”
Me: “I don’t think so. But my brother is a taurus.”
Her: “OMG. That’s awesome! Did you know cancer and taurus are super-compatible. And is your brother single by any chance?”
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) February 6, 2018
ugh i suck at Operation pic.twitter.com/GGy7wTav71
— kim (@KimmyMonte) February 2, 2018
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) February 8, 2018
1 year ago today i drunk texted my grandmother for her birthday pic.twitter.com/SqbknyAEn2
— cabs (@cambreezyyyy) January 25, 2018
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) February 1, 2018
Hey baby I hear the blues a-callin’ pic.twitter.com/yKSDR1TaPM
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 8, 2018
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
— zach kagan dot net (@zakagan) February 6, 2018
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) February 2, 2018
almost cried when i saw this image of the SpaceX interstellar roadster in orbit. technology is so beautiful sometimes. pic.twitter.com/uRm8ErCi6R
— your friend john (@johnsemley3000) February 8, 2018
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) February 8, 2018
me: hm what should i watch tonight
netflix: may i suggest a show about murder
me: nah do u have anything with-
netflix: murder? sure do. lots of shows about murder
me: but i dont want-
netflix: ok great now playing, "interviews with real murderers who dont show any remorse"
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) February 7, 2018