Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / @ArfMeasures (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 1-12-18
ME: Hey I think we should make a sex tape
WIFE: Yes let’s do it
WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER: That’s really not what I’m here for
— Michael, Very Stable Genius (@Home_Halfway) January 8, 2018
Me: I’ve got to say Doc, this is a real eye-opener.
Ophthalmologist: Please stop touching my instruments.
— Nodnarb (@BCMontgo) January 11, 2018
just got owned at this restaurant pic.twitter.com/0JI6xwdwAB
— Goth Ms. Frizzle (@spookperson) January 4, 2018
[at a street brawl]
onlooker 1: fuck him up!
onlooker 2: knock his teeth in!
onlooker 3: kill him!
me: give him the ol’ razzle dazzle!
[the fight stops, everyone turns and looks at me. a bus screeches to a halt. two blocks away a bird flies into a window]
me: razzle dazzle him.
— penjamin.online (@upsidedowntrash) January 5, 2018
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) January 4, 2018
Friend is back in town, she invited a friend from HS over last night. Apparently they did the dumbass “if we aren’t married by 30 we’ll just get married” deal. He halfway proposed last night and I’ve never seen a harder rejection. It really was this gif. pic.twitter.com/6012g7mUcB
— TBG (@ThatBoysGood) January 11, 2018
Y’all. I’m helping my dad put a new headboard on my bed and he said “you gotta hold that nut while you screwing it”
It got quiet af and then he said “what the shit did I just say?!”
— New Year, New Bleesus (@BleesusCrice) January 1, 2018
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
— Existential Comics (@existentialcoms) January 4, 2018
Today my five year-old laughed at this painting in the middle of a museum for like six minutes pic.twitter.com/AHlNJiZU5R
— Adam Rex (@MrAdamRex) January 1, 2018
ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no
JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?
ME: OH NO
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 3, 2018
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
— Bread Savage (@papasuncle) July 23, 2017
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GOT HOME SAFELY pic.twitter.com/YkSvy1YFCg
— anthony (@xforcades) January 9, 2018
i dropped my phone in the ocean so if u see any tweets that look fishy please know it wasn’t me
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) January 11, 2018
[Snake Wheel of fortune]
Pat Snakejak: Go ahead and give the wheel a spin
Snake: I cannot
— Boog (@BoogTweets) January 11, 2018
[inventor of the smart car] how about we make it look stupid
— Jane Plain (@AtticusFinch79) December 13, 2017
When someone lights a cigarette around me pic.twitter.com/rwCaioESMO
— no (@tbhjuststop) January 10, 2018
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
— Sauce Horse (@hamersauce) November 13, 2017
ME: do you think I sometimes rub people the wrong way?
WIFE: *gets ready to throw a second knife*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 10, 2018
when you don’t care for the duck’s touch pic.twitter.com/sBnhwJFi65
— Joe Rumrill (@2tonbug) January 10, 2018
got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball
— mojo troso (@trojansauce) January 8, 2018